Wordplay Joke

My wife sent me shopping earlier, and told me to pick up the bear essentials.
I didn't even know that we had one, but I did as she asked, and picked up a large jar of honey.

Wordplay Joke

I always thought 'despair' was the extra wheel in the boot of a car.

Wordplay Joke

My Spanish girlfriend was cheating on me with a Lurpak salesman so i hired a mantequilla

Wordplay Joke

My mate Dave lives in a castle with a round table and some chivalrous knights.
He's a bit of a legend.

Wordplay Joke

Above all, a house needs a roof.

Wordplay Joke

I have no options left now in relation to university. They've stopped doing multiple choice entry exams.

Wordplay Joke

My wife always makes sure the table is cleared before dinner is served at seven.
If she didn't play as much pool, maybe I would be eating by six.

Wordplay Joke

The power in my house just went out.
I came back a few hours later, drunk, and beat my wife.

Wordplay Joke

Ever since I got a job working for the US government I've been in the best shape of my life.
The Pentagon

Wordplay Joke

How does Noel Gallagher do his food shopping? Lidl by Lidl

Wordplay Joke

I like to meditate while I work in my babershop in Jamaica.
Don't know what I'd do without it...
I dread to think.

Wordplay Joke

I slept with another woman last night.
That's two now.

Wordplay Joke

Thank the lord for Geography...
I don't know where I'd be without it.

Wordplay Joke

The inventor of the Monorail has a one track mind.

Wordplay Joke

That brain-teaser hotline is an absolute con.
I phoned it the other day, but there was no answer.

Wordplay Joke

My son just wrapped one of my diagrams in aluminum.
That's my plan well and truly foiled.

Wordplay Joke

Hear about the emo that went into voluntary liquidation?
Stuck his hand in a blender.

Wordplay Joke

Why did the Scottish man keep going to the toilet?
He had a wee problem.

Wordplay Joke

I really enjoy April Showers.
I'm just glad she's into water sports.

Wordplay Joke

You have to look hard to be an auctioneer.
It's essential to look forbidding.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my dog "Roll over boy, roll over"
He said "I don't care I haven't got a lottery ticket"

Wordplay Joke

I said to this rastafarian today, "can you tell me an Arabic country in the middle east currently experiencing political unrest"?
He said, "yeah man".

Wordplay Joke

I always knew MC Tributary had a good flow...
It's a shame he went mainstream.

Wordplay Joke

The wife refuses to do anything when she is on,which I think is very unfair.
I never moan when its my turn to be the captor when we play hide and seek.

Wordplay Joke

I found my wife covered with jam and pastry.
I love it when she gets tarted up for me.