I never thought TV violence was a big problem until one of them stamped on me in their high heels.

What a beautiful morning... The sun is shining, birds are twittering...
How they got computers into their nests I'll never know...

I could read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I know a bloke who is seeing the most ugly barf you could ever imagine. He lives on a farm and keeps bees and sells honey. Everyone keeps telling him to go and meet a half-decent looking bird but he insists he loves her.
I guess beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

I think the media have wheelie bin unfair to this cat woman.

There are two types of art dealers; those that are in it for the love and then there's a bunch of Londoners who are only in it for the Manet.

I have a piece of wood attached to my wall that i kept all my Dusty Springfield records on but
now that i've sold all my records,
i just don't know what to do with my shelf.

I always have a proper blast at work.
Until they sacked me from the bomb squad.

My fleshlight arrived in the post today...
Neighbours complained about seeing my mail genitalia.

Apparently, the House of Commons only has one speaker...
You'd have thought in this day and age they'd at least have Dolby Surround Sound!

Sky News: Dad Pedals Round Europe To Find His Son.
There's a tip for the McCanns, sell drugs if you want to find Maddie?

They say empty cans make the most noise.
With their constant begging I think it's Africans.

What's the difference between Chelsea and Man united?
I didn't get a restraining order for following United.

I cooked an Italian meal but it didn't taste right and I blame the herbs.
I think it was faulty basil.

I can't wait for Apple to release the new gizmo for luring kids, the iCandy.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop talking in code.
"Perhaps I Should Say One Forbids Freedom." I replied

I've developed a cure for cancer.
If you can forget about what it is that you're eating then it actually tastes a lot like bacon.

'MC Battles'
Just another example of black on black rhyme.

I watch Loose Women every day.
These new binoculars are great.

I've just developed a mathematical equation which when fed into a computer taps out the names of American presidential candidates in Morse code.
It's working well, I'm very pleased with the al-gore-rhythm.

My wifes death involved a certain amount of irony,
four letters to precise - I caved her skull in with an iron.

Sky News: Susan Boyle set to perform for the Pope
Thats just sick?

One of my mates is a real stand up sort of guy.
He's got piles.

You never know what's coming round the corner in South Africa,
until it hits you.

BBC News: Prince visits gun rampage county
It's a shame he didn't visit last week with Camilla,they would have had a blast?