Wordplay Joke

I was having a drink with Stephen Hawking when the barman said, "Another round, lads?"
Stephen said, "No I think we're going to call it a night now".
I said, "Speak for yourself, mate"

Wordplay Joke

Shakespeare's philosophy; work right, play wright.

Wordplay Joke

I'd love to see the excitement, and then the utter disappointment, on the starving Africans faces, when the BBC are filming for Comic Relief and they tell them they are about to do a 'live feed'.

Wordplay Joke

I lost my wife and child in a hit and run disaster four years ago. So imagine how eerie it was the other day, while doing some gardening, I unearthed an old steel triangular plaque. As I began to scour the surface I could just detect the faint outline of a figure holding a small child's hand.
Maybe it's a sign.

Wordplay Joke

The high light of my day had to be that beautiful 17th century chandelier I saw earlier.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Woman 'called man 65000 times'
Susan Boyle?

Wordplay Joke

Once upon a time, I sat on a clock.

Wordplay Joke

Someone sent me a joke about postmen.
It wasn't delivered well.

Wordplay Joke

Just sold my granddad's military lanyard on eBay.
It was money for old rope.

Wordplay Joke

I dropped my barometer earlier.
Just couldn't handle the pressure.

Wordplay Joke

I had my first date yesterday.
Worst fruit I've ever tasted.

Wordplay Joke

I was getting really high at the park yesterday.
I love going on the swings.

Wordplay Joke

I took some chocolate from some chocolatiers today.
They were reduced to tears.

Wordplay Joke

'I've just found out the best way to make a jumper!' I exclaimed to my wife.
'So?' she said, unimpressed.
'No, knitting.'

Wordplay Joke

I'm not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed.

Wordplay Joke

I've designed a car without a steering wheel recently.
Quite straight forward really.

Wordplay Joke

We still haven't found a solution to climate change, but we're getting warmer.

Wordplay Joke

Don't you just hate it when someone borrows your pen, then they forget to give it back and you lose all your pigs.

Wordplay Joke

Getting 70% or more in my university exam?
That would be a first.

Wordplay Joke

I was meant to catch up with an old Kenyan friend today.
But even at sixty, he was still too fast.

Wordplay Joke

Having young children has taken over my life.
Every other weekend just isn't your own any more.

Wordplay Joke

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call an impressionist with a stutter?.
Mi-Mick.

Wordplay Joke

I've recently found out that YOLO is an acronym for 'You Only Live Once'.
I'm not really a fan of that, so I've started using make an acronym for 'Seize The Day' instead.

Wordplay Joke

I was clearing out the garage earlier for a car boot sale when I found a broken abacus.
"Do you think we could sell that?" my wife asked.
"I wouldn't count on it" I replied.