Wordplay Joke

I gave this fit young bird a good seeing to last night
There again, I am a CAT scan operator.

Wordplay Joke

Fried eggs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Wordplay Joke

I just listened to an army imitating the sound a pigeon makes.
I'll be honest, it wasn't the greatest military coo history will ever record.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "Man held after fatal dog attack"
Aaahhh, did he need a hug?

Wordplay Joke

My mobile ran out of credit. So I popped into a newsagents.
"Top up?" said the busty young miss behind the counter.
"Yes please" I stammered, "And when it is, may I suck your nipples?".

Wordplay Joke

How can you tell if someones been inbred?
They'll be covered in crumbs.

Wordplay Joke

I'm never playing Blackjack with my mate again. He dealt out the cards and said, "Stick or twist?"
I said, "Twist", so he said, "In The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis is a ghost."

Wordplay Joke

Why is there no aspirin in France?
Because Paracetamol.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking to work the other day when some big bird came running over to me asking for directions. . .
I wasn't much help though, I'd never heard of Sesame Street.

Wordplay Joke

Just looked outside my window and it's dead snowy,
tin tin must be devastated.

Wordplay Joke

My football team was a player short, so I said I'd bring my mate Leroy.One lad said, "Is he the one with mixed race parents?"
When I nodded, he asked, "So he's not a full black then?"
I said, "No. He's a centre half."

Wordplay Joke

Fat couples are good at roll play..

Wordplay Joke

My wife is constantly moaning that I don't give her enough credit for all the things she does for me.
So I bought her a 10 T-Mobile voucher.

Wordplay Joke

The Red Arrows haven't been the same since they banned smoking on planes.

Wordplay Joke

What is a Mole? A Vole on crutches.

Wordplay Joke

My mate was telling me last night how his wife was killed by Basque Separatists.
I said, "ETA?"
He said, "No, they blew her up."

Wordplay Joke

I went game fishing today.
I came home with 4 Monopoly sets, 2 Scrabble and a Buckaroo.

Wordplay Joke

After 3 years without a girlfriend, I've decided to dress up as a bottle of syrup and go to a nightclub.
You never know, I maple.

Wordplay Joke

"So you are saying that the there's actually a word for something that means exact in terms and without vagueness?" my friend asked, flabbergasted.
"Precisely." I replied.

Wordplay Joke

People are always telling me to stop eating trousers.
I just wish they'd cut me some slack.

Wordplay Joke

A bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I had any Red Leicester. I apologised and said I only had Swiss cheese.
He went emmental.

Wordplay Joke

I can see 9 years into the future.
I have 20 20 vision.

Wordplay Joke

I was explaining to my mate that I had a really difficult choice to make and I was struggling to decide.
"Dilemma", he said.
"Why?", I asked, "Do you think she'll be able to help?"

Wordplay Joke

I went to a bar the other night to watch some band sing a few songs, but when I arrived everyone else was leaving. I said to the barmaid, "this is the place where the band are performing isn't it?"
She replied, "they're banned."

Wordplay Joke

I'm thinking of opening a strip club which has a restaurant upstairs.
Bangers 'n' Gash.