This morning I got my deoderant mixed up with the bugspray.
No flies on me.

South Korea's got Seoul.

i was going to write a joke about a bad surgeon and a scalpel...
but it was a bit close to the bone.

I ex celled myself when I broke out of prison.

Tories.
Putting the 'n' in cuts

Animal welfare activists have liberated a herd of calves which had been scheduled for slaughter in Northern Ireland.
The Veal IRA have claimed responsibility.

You have to be gentle when cutting cheese, as some of them crumble. Caerphilly does it.

"I'm a poetician."
"You mean a politician?"
"No, all my lies rhyme."

Pilots lead a turbulent lifestyle.

I sent someone a direct message on twitter.
It said "Turn left".

A man was recently arrested after being caught by police "attempting to satisfy a cow with his bare hands". In court he blamed the incident on a history of mental disorders, before breaking down in tears.
I think he was just milking it.

My next door neighbour just don't listen....
"Your 3 year old's spoilt", I told him
How dare you say that he yelled... she's NOT!!
"She is mate.... I just reversed over her coming out my drive...."

Huh. This deodorant I bought just says "Best Before Date" on the bottom, and nothing else.

Just came back from The doctors. Had to tell the wife I have HIV
"Are you sure" she said
"Yes, I'm positive."

I hate working in the bubble bath factory.
Ray docks all my wages.

A new record has been broken for the worlds shortest man.
He's Arthur Meter.

I'm a postman as well as a part-time stand up comedian.
I'm quite good at it, it's all in the delivery.

Last night I went to a fancy dress where we had to show up in trousers that were too long.
Everyone turned up.

My mate reckons he can cure his heart disease doing yoga.
I think that`s a bit of a stretch.

My investment in a maze buisness isn't going well
I can't see a way out of it.

I wish I never touched that cloning machine.
I don't know how I can live with myself.

A woman approached me in the high street earlier with a clipboard she said, "how do you feel about hedgehogs?"
err...carefully i replied.

You'd think I'd be vain.
Gorgeous people like me usually are.

A lot of Asians got a bit carried away with that Tsunami

I just found out today that I came last.
In the 2008 Psychic of the year awards.