Wordplay Joke

I got sacked from my job at Britvic.
I just couldn't concentrate.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she loves the Bangles and asked would I take her to go see them. I thought, 'I'll do better than that, I'll buy you a couple from Primark'

Wordplay Joke

I built my wife a sculpture of her torso, arms and legs with Lego. I said if she's really good to me, I'll do the rest. She dropped her knickers, bent over, and said, "I'm pretty sure you'll finish it off."
I think she's getting ahead of herself.

Wordplay Joke

I bought an Apple Mac today for just over a grand.
A bit over priced really, for what is essentially, a fruit shaped piece of clingfilm...

Wordplay Joke

If a Geordie man goes walking in Walker and biking in Byker, what does he do at Wallsend?
Fall off

Wordplay Joke

A football fan obsessed with Terry Venables has been ordered by the council to pull down a statue he built in his garden.
He's lodging an appeal as he believes it breaches his Statue Terry rights.

Wordplay Joke

The weight of my voice was nothing compared to that of the fat lady's.
She was singing on a different scale.

Wordplay Joke

I work hard as a cobbler. I put my heart and sole into every shoe I make.

Wordplay Joke

I'm finding out that the best relationships are the ones devoid of emotion.
And thanks to my own inadequacies, women don't feel a thing.

Wordplay Joke

Latest Bond Film: New agent 003.14 in 'The Pi Who Loved Me'.

Wordplay Joke

You wouldn't think that any of the England Squad are creative artists.
But they do like drawing.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend had her first baby scan in Liverpool today,
The Doctor said it was ultra sound.

Wordplay Joke

Have you heard about that new cult that's going around? They dress up as pidgeons and chickens and beat up black people.
Apparently, they call themselves the Coo Clucks Klan.

Wordplay Joke

To tell you the truth, I'm a compulsive liar....

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend loves it when i lick her bottom . I'm always at her disposal.

Wordplay Joke

Saw a really annoyed guy yesterday, muttering things like, "Femur? No. Radius? No. Mandible?"
I thought, "Must have a bone to pick"

Wordplay Joke

I've become rather disliked as a boss since I decided that we were no longer going to make incontinence pads for ladies.
My position has become untenable.

Wordplay Joke

My mate bet me a tenner he could keep me trapped inside my house all day. He's made it harder by locking all the doors, but I still think I'll window.

Wordplay Joke

I told my friend I have an appointment in the Midlands tomorrow with my Dermatologist.
"Redditch?" he enquired.
"No, but it is slightly sore"

Wordplay Joke

I asked this girl I met to send me a dirty picture,
She sent me a picture of her bins.

Wordplay Joke

My Grandfather has to buy a bottle of dark rum every night at the same time.
We think he might have o.v.d

Wordplay Joke

I just had one of my sculptures put on display in a gallery. It's a model of the pivot joint at the top of the human spine.
Should turn a few heads.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Eurozone 'to approve' Greece loan.
I can't help but feel someone messed up with the negotiating on this one.

Wordplay Joke

Bought the wife some second hand maracas for her birthday, she seemed determined to throw them away, yet when I asked her she denied it.
So we shook on it.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to play giant scrabble in the park today, but decided not to.
The Q was too big.