Wordplay Joke

I walked into a room of optimists earlier,
It was half full.

Wordplay Joke

It's so busy during my early morning taxi shift, I'm always dropping off.

Wordplay Joke

my friend gave me the idea and the final push needed for me to write a book on inspiration.

Wordplay Joke

Kodak files for bankrupcy due to negative growth.

Wordplay Joke

Today is National Librarian Day. They kept that quiet.

Wordplay Joke

My Nan was complaining about her new television today...
"I've plugged it in and the screen is blank, nothing!" She shouted.
"That's not on" I replied.

Wordplay Joke

Do you want to express your anger at James Bond?
Join the Q.

Wordplay Joke

Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds with one stone.

Wordplay Joke

I work at a watersports centre.
We're having a sale.

Wordplay Joke

Do I have insomnia or amnesia?
I Was up all night thinking about it, but I've forgotten which is which.

Wordplay Joke

I think my karate instructor has got a great sixth sensei.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to change my name on Facebook to "no one".
So when I add you as a friend, it will say "No one wants to be your friend on Facebook,"

Wordplay Joke

Chav Bingo..
You've gotta be init to win it.

Wordplay Joke

My Naan loves cleaning curry dishes.

Wordplay Joke

A friend of mine stole my invisible box yesterday...
I said "Hey, that's mime!!"

Wordplay Joke

Totally killed at the nursing home open mic last night.
Didn't actually perform, but I did unplug some respirators.

Wordplay Joke

I've won a 36 hour no sleeping contest recently.
I left all other contestants in my wake.

Wordplay Joke

Nestle are launching a new Arabica coffee with David Cameron advertising the drink...
Nestle says there are similarities between the two.
"One is a rich blend, the other is a rich bell-end," a spokesman said.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just boasted about buying miniture pack of cards for a tenner.
It's no big deal.

Wordplay Joke

Strangely, Currys is the only shop in Leicester that doesn't have a Paki working there.

Wordplay Joke

A BBC News Reader had their autocue stolen today.
When asked to comment he had nothing to say.

Wordplay Joke

When my boiler broke, I got a man out.
I don't know how he got in there in the first place.

Wordplay Joke

So I was going to this fancy dress party last night, dressed as a tampon, when my friend wiped his bleeding hand on my costume.
Now, I feel so used.

Wordplay Joke

My daughter and her friend asked me if I wanted join in their skipping game this morning.
"You can count me in!" I replied.

Wordplay Joke

As a paedophile maths teacher, I always get my children to write in pencil.
That way I can always rub one out.