I don't know why the Australians are getting so upset about their floods.
It's just a bit of light relief.

The wife's just been in to get her face lifted.
Judging by the result she might have been better getting her body lowered.

I am going to Ipswich later.
I am banned from too many websites on this one

I can't believe I just folded at the World Ironing Championships.
I forgot my iron.

My mate asked me if I fancied a Holiday in Norway but I told him I really can't afjord it.

I think my wife has caught me defying the government.
I overheard her on the phone saying she found me revolting.

I've just landed a new job driving Prison Officers to work but in all honesty, I feel a proper tool.
I'm a Screwdriver.

I'm setting up a shop which sells curtains and carpets with swear words written on them.
I'm calling it 'Explicit Material.'

I became famous for my research into the effects of hanging upside down, but it all went straight to my head.

Once I brought my bag of marbles to a mental asylum. I lost them.

The key moment in my life was when I became a locksmith.

Having been on job seekers allowance for most of my
adult life, I was pleased to hear that the job centre had finally
found me a job.
The role was " technician " on board a submarine ,
I stuck it out for as long as I could but in the end had to leave.
I was completely out of my depth

My parents were so poor that one Christmas they could only afford to buy me a yo.

Xenuphobia: the fear of foreign scientologists

People who think billboard advertising is pointless need to look at the bigger picture

Fat is the only problem you can run away from.

I do love the Top Gun soundtrack.
It takes my breath away.

Apparently most girls prefer ribbed condoms but that's just a rough estimation.

I've got my wife to start calling me Helicase in the bedroom.
It's because I can unzip her Genes easily.

My wife can't control herself. Maybe I should give her the remote for her electronic wheelchair back.

I stole my girlfriends i-phone today because i'm addicted to Angry Birds.
Not the game, it's just that time of the month...........

I don't know why the call that dangerous game, 'Chicken.'
The chicken got to the other side.

Just found out my dad's mother and father are Muslim.
They're my Qur'anparents.

My friend took me to the beach to try and teach me to surf, but left after half an hour complaining that I wasn't even trying.
I don't get him, I was well on board.

The wife found a lump, and went to the doctor..........................and the breast is history.