SKY NEWS
"Family devestated by son's swing tragedy"
Well if you insist on taking him along to those sorts of parties......

It amazes me that people think Marlon King will do 18 months...
...Since when has a footballer ever completed a sentence?

I had my house inspected by a feng shui expert. She told me that the whole house was fine, apart from the room at the top of the house in the loft.
I think it might be a little problem attic.

The issue with overcrowding is if we put whites in Prisms all the colours will get out.

Obese - a term not to be taken lightly.

I've just set a seven hour herb eating record.
It was thyme consuming.

I bought a walking stick off a mate in the pub, but I think it's broken.
It hasn't walked once.

Advert in my local newsagent.
WANTED:
Someone to walk my dog in the Evenings.
Chinese need not apply.

What do you call theft in Norwich?
Six finger discount.

Someone nicked the plug off the kettle at work today.
I can see trouble brewing.

I fancy myself as a bit of a narcissist.

There's a girl at work who has been on my radar for a while
It's making my job as an air traffic controller impossible

Just had a game of football with my furniture.
It was a drawer.

I was dancing next to a bird who had bad BO in a club when I whispered in her ear, "Hygiene."
She said, "My name's not Gene; it's Sue"
I said, "Oh, hi, Sue... You need a bath."

While at church, my nephew accused me of being anti Christian.
He was half right, I'm actually Uncle Christian.

Candles are wicked.

Capital punishment jokes.
They're all about the execution.

Just been told I've won the "Cynic of the Year" award.
I bet there's a catch.

I love stationery, but I draw the line at rulers.

I hate people when they are over-dramatic
It just makes me want to set myself on fire

I see that Madonna has bought herself another little black number on mail order.

I am the youngest of 3 in my family.
My mum and dad are much older than me

Did you hear? The voice actor that plays Ben10 has a tumour.
Thankfully it's Ben9.

My mate once wasted a load of money buying a forest.
He got a lot of stick for that.

I was asked to cook dinner using potatoes, skillets, and salt, but I made a hash of it.