Wordplay Joke

I rarely let my guard down.
If anything I spoil him.

Wordplay Joke

I went up to a fit brunette in a pub and said, "I can't wait until our date!"
She said, "What date?!"
I said, "Make it Friday."

Wordplay Joke

Technology News: Gaze control to be introduced.
And it's about time too. Those queers were getting out of hand.

Wordplay Joke

I've just opened up a pub near a volcano.
It's gonna be the new hotspot in town.

Wordplay Joke

I once had a clock shop but it ended up going out of business.
I gave too much tick and was eventually wound up.

Wordplay Joke

'Man holds hostages because of HGV License'.
Wow-The HGV Test has changed since i took it.

Wordplay Joke

I wasn't sure how my wife would react when she realised that i'd brought her to a Bukkake party.
To my surprise she took it on the chin.

Wordplay Joke

"Russell Kane as you've never seen him before!".
What, Is he going to be funny?.

Wordplay Joke

I work so hard to be lazy.

Wordplay Joke

Just came in and saw this note on the table from my girlfriend
Peter,
I'm leaving you because our relationship never seemed that important to you. There are too many other things that came first and it just didn't seem like you were that bothered what way it turned out. I just wonder how long it will take you to get over it or if you'll care at all. I'll be at maria's house in Darlington if you need me. I wish you all the best, Jenny.
Needless to say I was quite taken aback. When did Maria move to Darlington?

Wordplay Joke

I was chatting affably with the Italian waiter in the Trattoria last night.
After the main course he asked. 'And what do you do senor?'
'Oh, i'm just a litigation lawyer' I replied.
His eyes lit up, and he said. 'Then for dessert, may i recommend mama's home made suet pudding.'

Wordplay Joke

Rebekah Brooks is to be charged with perverting the course of justice, and she's not happy about it.
In fact, you could say that she's rather hacked off.

Wordplay Joke

What floats Elton John's boat?
Flamboyancy.

Wordplay Joke

"Does anyone have a photo of me from far away?"
"No!"
"Oh well, it was a long shot."

Wordplay Joke

what did the coffee machine say to the vending machine when he swore at him?
you're out of order!

Wordplay Joke

My wife wasn't happy when I told her I wanted to be a lobotomist.
She gave me a piece of her mind.

Wordplay Joke

Went to the hairdressers today for the 1st time in 6 months.
'In for a bush cut?', said the receptionist
'If you have warm hands', I replied

Wordplay Joke

When adverts say how amazing their products are.
I don't buy it.

Wordplay Joke

Has anyone on here ever drunk a pint of Tequila?
I know it's a long shot.

Wordplay Joke

I hate people who use long words they don't actually understand the meaning of.
They're such oxymorons.

Wordplay Joke

I was near a zoo when an elephant managed to escape it's enclosure, before the elephant got very far the man started yelling, 'Run! Elephant, Run!'
He was making the elephant run? this i had to see.

Wordplay Joke

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Wordplay Joke

My Dad wanted me to have everything he never had,
So he got me a job.

Wordplay Joke

Dwarfs are no taller than 4ft 10.
That's a little known fact.

Wordplay Joke

I got punched in the face by a mute bloke this afternoon.
I was dumbstruck.