My dentist asked me if I knew the medical benefits of straightness and whiteness.
Apparently, it is not "an immunity to AIDS."

I asked the librarian for a book about permeable rocks.
"Have a look in Waterstones," she said.

My girlfriend hates it when I spell and punctuate incorrectly.
So I punched her and put her in a comma.

I was reading one of those women's magazines yesterday.
It was OK.

I had to sack an employee last week for coming to work dressed as a playing card.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate in my office, it's jokers.

Just saw this great comedian who spent all night making jokes about this amazing silk suit he was wearing.
I just don't know where he gets his material from.

My mate was mysteriously kidnapped two months ago, and then the same happened to his daughter just a few days later.
She's always taken after her dad.

I love cooking children and dogs but I hate punctuating my sentences

Just written a joke about nipples.
Needs tweaking.

I asked my mate for a second opinion.
He said, "Well I-"
-"Whoa" I said, "Times up."

Boxing.
What's that, a bout?

I was going to change my toaster , but i thought ..."Better the Breville you know"

I recently employed a Mexican gardener and a Spanish maid, and I've got to say,
my house is looking spic and span.

I was given the sack at work today.
Well that's what happens when you're a postman.

What do you call a Mexican Child Abuser?
A Pedrophile

Had to buy some more sand for my punchbag yesterday.
Apparently she wants it for the flower beds.

I once considered setting up a charity sumo wrestling match between real sumo wrestlers and prisoners, but the cons outweighed the pros.

I've just watched a fantastic film with a twist at the end...
Oliver.

My wife asked me for a new wardrobe for Christmas, so I got her one.
Turns out she just wanted clothes

See-saws rock!

Midget stripper just arrived for my birthday, which was actually last week.
Too little, too late.

I bought a pirate DVD the other day.
I'll treasure it forever.

We had a wood work society at my school.
I was the vice president.

Me and my friend formed a band and called the group Half Man Half Bull and we had 5 gigs in Leeds.
It was a minor tour.

I wanted to take my obese wife on a road trip with some of my mates, but I was worried she wouldn't fit in.
So I hired a trailer.