My dentist asked me if I knew the medical benefits of straightness and whiteness.
Apparently, it is not "an immunity to AIDS."
I asked the librarian for a book about permeable rocks.
"Have a look in Waterstones," she said.
My girlfriend hates it when I spell and punctuate incorrectly.
So I punched her and put her in a comma.
I was reading one of those women's magazines yesterday.
It was OK.
I had to sack an employee last week for coming to work dressed as a playing card.
If there's one thing I won't tolerate in my office, it's jokers.
Just saw this great comedian who spent all night making jokes about this amazing silk suit he was wearing.
I just don't know where he gets his material from.
My mate was mysteriously kidnapped two months ago, and then the same happened to his daughter just a few days later.
She's always taken after her dad.
I love cooking children and dogs but I hate punctuating my sentences
Just written a joke about nipples.
I asked my mate for a second opinion.
He said, "Well I-"
-"Whoa" I said, "Times up."
What's that, a bout?
I was going to change my toaster , but i thought ..."Better the Breville you know"
I recently employed a Mexican gardener and a Spanish maid, and I've got to say,
my house is looking spic and span.
I was given the sack at work today.
Well that's what happens when you're a postman.
What do you call a Mexican Child Abuser?
Had to buy some more sand for my punchbag yesterday.
Apparently she wants it for the flower beds.
I once considered setting up a charity sumo wrestling match between real sumo wrestlers and prisoners, but the cons outweighed the pros.
I've just watched a fantastic film with a twist at the end...
My wife asked me for a new wardrobe for Christmas, so I got her one.
Turns out she just wanted clothes
Midget stripper just arrived for my birthday, which was actually last week.
Too little, too late.
I bought a pirate DVD the other day.
I'll treasure it forever.
We had a wood work society at my school.
I was the vice president.
Me and my friend formed a band and called the group Half Man Half Bull and we had 5 gigs in Leeds.
It was a minor tour.
I wanted to take my obese wife on a road trip with some of my mates, but I was worried she wouldn't fit in.
So I hired a trailer.