This dodgy looking guy started work in my office today. He demanded he occasionally work 40 hours sporadically across 7 days.
He's a bit shifty.

I got arrested for being unable to control my erection.
The health and safety officer said it's the most wobbly scaffolding he's ever come across.

I've got a habit of throwing my wife into various things around the house.
I love the look on the 'Angry birds' face

RAM error on my PC?
Must be goats in the machine.

I threw up this morning
I just really didn't like the film

I was scared we wouldn't win the pub quiz when it came down to a tiebreak. Luckily I knew the answer to: "What is Glenn, the actress's, last name."
"Phew," I thought. "That was Close."

I think it's stupid to rundown Muslims.
If people are watching.

A bear escaped from the zoo this morning,
...It's pure pandamonium.

I had to help the wife with her nails today.
Her hands were coming loose from the crucifix.

I tried to use my psychic powers to move a ball to the other side of a tunnel but it turned out the ball was too big. I just didn't think it through.

The best part of Christmas is de-boning the turkey, right after I've seasoned it with my special sauce.

To be blunt, I don't like sharpened pencils.

I was walking down the street with my dogs when this man said, "Are they Jack Russells?"
I said, "No, they're mine."

A lorry has shed it's load of pepper mills on the M1.
Traffic has ground to a halt.

I went to a fancy dress party once and Bob Marley was there dressed in a hairy brown monster outfit with big teeth and he had a gun in his hand.
I think he was a Gruffalo soldier.

My girlfriend is heavily pregnant so I've spent the holiday period doing the fatherly thing by reading a load of baby books.
I'd forgotten just what a good read 'The Hungry Caterpillar" is.

I went to my local bakers the other day and the guy behind the counter was balancing on some bread. I thought to myself 'He's on a roll!'.

Cake-baking has gone through many changes throughout the years.
I like mid era.

I was trying to buy some new luggage the other day and for some reason I just burst into tears.
I must be case sensitive.

A hippy came up to me on the high street and said, "Free hug?"
I said, "I dunno, what did he do?"

I met a guy the other day who said his name was 'Ian Smith'
I said 'I don't believe you'
He asked 'Why not?'
I said 'Because there is no 'e' in 'Smith'.

I'm just going to the toilet to measure something. I shouldn't be long.

I always try and avoid blue cheese.
Probably why I've never won at Trivial Pursuit.

I'm going to kill all bachelors...every single one.

I was a DJ at this party the other day and everybody hated my songs
Was alright, I didn't techno notice