Wordplay Joke

I just bought a straight piece of plastic.
It rules.

Wordplay Joke

Poor old Ricky Ponting.
He could probably eat as many vindaloos as he wanted and still not get the runs.

Wordplay Joke

I wish I hadn't bought that corrugated iron.
If anything it's made my clothes MORE creased.

Wordplay Joke

x.
It's a sign of the times.

Wordplay Joke

Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife, we realised that there was only enough oxygen left for one of us to get back down.
So I did the descent thing...

Wordplay Joke

My budgie escaped from its cage not so long ago and mated with my dog.
Now I have several puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

Wordplay Joke

A new book out today.
The korean canine training manual
50 ways to wok your dog

Wordplay Joke

I absolutely refuse to believe that I am in denial.....

Wordplay Joke

I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew. It was pretty weak so my mate offered a tenner if I could drink the lot in one session... I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

Wordplay Joke

I am married to two women.
After years of deceit I owned up to both of them.
I thought that was big of me.

Wordplay Joke

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Wordplay Joke

Went to a funfair the other day and saw that the sign advertising it was missing the first F.
That's just unfair.

Wordplay Joke

Lady Gaga's lyrics are so obscure.
I think she has hidden a gender.

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen a suicide bomber
He was quite good but I wasn't blown away

Wordplay Joke

Took my six year old niece fishing today.
Didn't even get a tug.

Wordplay Joke

Phew! I've only just managed to glue all the leaves back on the tree in my garden that blew off overnight before it got dark.
What a re-leaf.

Wordplay Joke

I went to see a bloke about buying a car today.
The price was too high, but I managed to knock him down.
Then I just drove off in it.

Wordplay Joke

Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked, "Is this letter for you?The name is smudged."
I said, "No, It's not for me mate, my name's Smith."

Wordplay Joke

Before I go lurking in the playgrounds I eat three packets of Haribo.
Then I wait with baited breath.

Wordplay Joke

Know what's odd?
About every other number.

Wordplay Joke

Hole punch: The Katie Price method of masturbating.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "895 poles entering the UK every day"
What kind of climbing frame are we building?

Wordplay Joke

I have a Chinese friend called Ding.
Every time the microwave goes off, he thinks someone's calling him.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she wants a rubber plant to freshen up the living room a bit.
I think it's a stupid idea. If anything it'll have opposite effect. The noise would be deafening, and just imagine the CO2 emissions.

Wordplay Joke

Whist having a conversation with my girlfriend, she brought up 'Sperm'.
It was funny just watching it run down her chin.