I couldn't believe it when my gang of bandits told me they had kidnapped Minnie Mouse.
I thought they were taking the Mickey.

My band is after breaking up and it's all my fault...
I stretched the elastic too far.

Size zero girls.
What a waste.

As I dropped off my girlfriend at her house she asked me how I thought our date was.
"I've had a wonderful evening. This wasn't it."

I want to go to my girlfriend's dad and ask for her hand and I'm really nervous about it.
It's in his pants.

"We will, we will rock you".
Not what i wanted to hear on my first night in a Saudi Arabian prison.

The fire brigade tried to put out a fire at my haunted house but failed.
All they managed to do was dampen my spirits.

My wife dragged me along to see One Direction.
It was 20 to get in.
And 50 to get out.

I Keep getting threatening messages off someone on facebook called "Scrumpy Jack"!!
I hate cider bullies!!

They said there was no way I'd ever become a puppeteer.
Until I pulled a few strings...

Quit my weekend job as a Chimney Sweep.
It just didnt soot me.

After going out with the lads on the drink last night, my mate got into hot water with the missis when he got home.
I'm now off to visit them in the burns unit at the hospital.

A floor filler - in England - is a song that makes everybody get up and dance. In America it's a person.

Just been to see a film called The Contortionist
It had an unbelievable twist at the end

"Waiter, This coffee tastes like mud."
"Well sir, it is fresh ground."

I was doing my History exam when I noticed a picture of a naked woman as one of the sources.
It was Source E.

My mate keeps on and on, endlessly whinging and whining about his smelly bin.
I've told him to put a lid on it.

The boss caught me stealing car parts at work.
I got the boot.

A girl sent me a picture of herself during the week in her underwear.
I don't know why she just didn't use an envelope.

My job is to test strong painkillers orally.
All in a daze work.

I used to work in a circus as the human cannonball.
But I left after they fired me.

Which sport has two Qs in it?
Snooker.

"I'm sorry to inform you that you have schizophrenia."
"I have what?" I asked.
"Schizophrenia, or split personality."
"No I don't," I retorted.
The voice in my head still thinks he has a doctorate.

I was totally engrossed in making New Year resolutions at work last night, & ended up with a huge list.
I guess that my career as a sea captain is now over.

So I sent in an application form to one of those match making programs
Sadly it got rejected.
Turns out I missed the Jew date.