Wordplay Joke

i like writing letters - i find its impossible to write with anything else

Wordplay Joke

I met a missionary once.
He said it was an interesting position.

Wordplay Joke

A recent news article claimed that the Mona Lisa was the most beautiful woman in history.
She's not bad, but she's no oil painting.

Wordplay Joke

I think it is hugely unfair as to the amount of criticism that the tabloid press are giving Jordan.
This Middle Eastern state has enough problems to deal with as it is.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a couple of problems I need to get off my chest
I'm going for the operation tomorow

Wordplay Joke

I tried to imagine a picture of the universe a millisecond before the Big Bang.
In fact I've tried many times,
but I just can't do it.
No matter.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the proctologist who was too slow at his job?
His boss told him to pull his finger out.

Wordplay Joke

I punched a hole in the wall earlier today.
It had swallowed my card.

Wordplay Joke

I brought an icicle into work today.
It's gone into liquidation.

Wordplay Joke

I starred in a movie about a piece of bread.
I played my roll perfectly.

Wordplay Joke

I knew someone who claimed he could do a triple head-spin.
He was all torque.

Wordplay Joke

Now that I work nights I have decided to put sleeping pills in my Frosties.
They're Gre

Wordplay Joke

I bought my girlfriend a surge protector for her birthday.
She nearly blew a fuse.

Wordplay Joke

I'm the Black Eyed Peas' new manager.
Don't believe me? well.i.am!

Wordplay Joke

NASA have announced that they can now afford a manned mission to Mars after they found some cash down the back of the SETI.

Wordplay Joke

Can people please stop turning the handle sticking out of my back ?
It winds me up !!

Wordplay Joke

I was asked to say a word about my wife at her funeral.
I went for "Dead".

Wordplay Joke

Disabled toilets...
when is somebody gonna come and fix them

Wordplay Joke

Teacher: What's the shortest sentence possible?
Johnny: I'm.
Teacher: When do you use that as a sentence?
Johnny: After my tea, when my mum tries to give me more.
Teacher: And what do you say exactly?
Johnny: I'm full, stop

Wordplay Joke

My wife said I was too formal.
I suggested she put that in writing and I'd reply by return of post.

Wordplay Joke

I saw an advert for the Make A Wish Foundation that said "what do you get for a kid without a future?"
A Present?

Wordplay Joke

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month.

Wordplay Joke

I bought the wife a necklace from H Samuel but it's faulty. I checked online about their returns procedure.
The link's broken.

Wordplay Joke

I called my wife today and told her I'd just got a great promotion at work, she was ecstatic.
The miserable cow didn't seen too impressed later though. So I'll be keeping the two for one Dominos voucher for myself.

Wordplay Joke

After spending every spare minute of the last ten years trying to perfect my cloning machine, I finally cracked it last night.
Now I don't know what to do with myself.