i like writing letters - i find its impossible to write with anything else
I met a missionary once.
He said it was an interesting position.
A recent news article claimed that the Mona Lisa was the most beautiful woman in history.
She's not bad, but she's no oil painting.
I think it is hugely unfair as to the amount of criticism that the tabloid press are giving Jordan.
This Middle Eastern state has enough problems to deal with as it is.
I've got a couple of problems I need to get off my chest
I'm going for the operation tomorow
I tried to imagine a picture of the universe a millisecond before the Big Bang.
In fact I've tried many times,
but I just can't do it.
Did you hear about the proctologist who was too slow at his job?
His boss told him to pull his finger out.
I punched a hole in the wall earlier today.
It had swallowed my card.
I brought an icicle into work today.
It's gone into liquidation.
I starred in a movie about a piece of bread.
I played my roll perfectly.
I knew someone who claimed he could do a triple head-spin.
He was all torque.
Now that I work nights I have decided to put sleeping pills in my Frosties.
I bought my girlfriend a surge protector for her birthday.
She nearly blew a fuse.
I'm the Black Eyed Peas' new manager.
Don't believe me? well.i.am!
NASA have announced that they can now afford a manned mission to Mars after they found some cash down the back of the SETI.
Can people please stop turning the handle sticking out of my back ?
It winds me up !!
I was asked to say a word about my wife at her funeral.
I went for "Dead".
when is somebody gonna come and fix them
Teacher: What's the shortest sentence possible?
Teacher: When do you use that as a sentence?
Johnny: After my tea, when my mum tries to give me more.
Teacher: And what do you say exactly?
Johnny: I'm full, stop
My wife said I was too formal.
I suggested she put that in writing and I'd reply by return of post.
I saw an advert for the Make A Wish Foundation that said "what do you get for a kid without a future?"
Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month.
I bought the wife a necklace from H Samuel but it's faulty. I checked online about their returns procedure.
The link's broken.
I called my wife today and told her I'd just got a great promotion at work, she was ecstatic.
The miserable cow didn't seen too impressed later though. So I'll be keeping the two for one Dominos voucher for myself.
After spending every spare minute of the last ten years trying to perfect my cloning machine, I finally cracked it last night.
Now I don't know what to do with myself.