My ex-girlfriend really did a number on me.
Even after I said the safety word.

Everyone says I lack empathy but I couldn't care less.

After a horrible road accident, my wife lost two limbs and only her left leg and arm remained.
She's a woman with no rights.

Why can't chavs think out of the box?
They get stuck, innit.

BBC News - "Mandelson makes Mephedrone pledge".
Surely producing furniture polish with M-Kat in will make matters worse?

Yesterday I tried to carve 'The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' out of a big piece of wood with a knife.
But I did it wrong, and ended up with a load of Splinters.

My daughter doesn't like me reading her fairy tales before bed anymore.
Ever since I got my happy end in.

Was driving to work today, and got stuck behind an old horsebox with a wonky wheel.
I thought "That doesn't look stable"

I always wanted to play lead guitar but it's not really a suitable substance to make a musical instrument out of.

My Dad drove his car into a wall at the weekend.
Witnesses left cards and flowers tied to the goalposts.

Here's a hot tip: The end of my soldering iron.

News: 7/7 'hero' tried to save injured
Full marks for trying

I've started selling turbans dipped in orange jelly and chocolate. I reckon Jaffar Cakes will be a hit.

What's the world's most informative vegetable?
A WikiLeek.

I was getting ready to go as a water feature to a fancy dress party.
I wasn't sure so asked my mate what he thought.
He put a lilly pad on my head.
That made me ponder.

My girlfriend is worried that when we get married she has to change her surname from Bell to Smith.
Apparently Smith doesn't have the same ring to it.

I was doing my wife when I thought "I'm not very good at impressions."

My Girlfriend is weird and keeps making sculptures of me out of charcoal.
They are all carbon copies.

I was just at the Tupac Shakur memorial museum.
No Biggie.

A bloke stood on the corner yelling "One, two, three, five, six".
I thought " That's uncalled four".

My girlfriend was reading the Kama Sutra and suggested that we try position 288.
"No," I said "that's two gross".

MSN news : White iPhone 4 leaked
apple juice presumably ?

I do wish people would stop posting Osama jokes, this site's really been laden with them.

My daughter, Charity, is running in our local Marathon race today. Everyone starts at the line across the road.
But not my daughter Charity.
She begins at home.

BBC news: 12 year old boy dies after goal posts fall on him. His friends said they would miss him.
They didn't.