My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked, "Sweetheart, where's the cheese grater?"
"Some would say France, others would say England," I replied.

Just bought a feather duster.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's filthy chickens.

I hate people who use metaphors that are physically impossible.
They make my blood boil.

I bought a train ticket the other day and in the corner it read 'STD'
How did they know?

My six year old daughter attempted suicide this morning.
She didn't succeed, but her spelling is definitely improving.

Ever since my addiction to children's playgrounds started, my social life has been on the slide.

As the rest of the bobsleigh team and I prepared for our first run, the brake man suddenly fell to the floor clutching his leg.
"Go on without me, I'll only slow you down", he cried.

Time traveller's convention next June.
I'm there.

My mum has a phobia about African toes.
I think she's black toes intolerant.

I went in HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.
"Walk this way," he replied.

People hang on my every word.
Which is why I lost my job at the Samaritans.

I fell down a really deep dark hole today.
I couldn't see that well.

I invested $1000 in some American shares.....
It made a lot of cents.

What do you call a cat without whiskers?
Hungry.

Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools? The supply teachers.

Confucius say: It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl

After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday.
We won't see the likes of him again.

I was invited to a party the other day, and the dress code was 'smart-casual'.
So I went as an oxymoron.

If it wasn't for blinds it would be curtains for all of us.

When I was a boy, my friends said quoting songs would get me nowhere.
Well Take A Look At Me Now.

After winning a race, a jockey was found to have given his animal drugs, and was disqualified.
I bet that took him off his high horse.

About to microwave some fruit.
Getting ready for a hot date.

I just bought a Swiss car. It runs like clockwork, but I can't figure out how to get it out of neutral.

Me and the wife have just been for our 12 week scan.
The doctor said, "Mr and Mrs Keemier, I'm pleased to say you are having a baby boy."
The wife won't let me call him Luke.

What's black and gets abused 24/7 on social networking sites?
Punctuation