What's an ideal secretary?
One who can take shorthand...and give it.

I would have got hit by a car today if a fat bearded guy in fancy dress hadn't grabbed me.
It was Blessed in disguise.

My baby brother has a new rattle,
He's just had a Tracheostomy

American airlines, and John Travolta, both have less jets this year

Why is it when Chris Tarrant secretly video tapes kids and gives them sweets he gets a tv show but when I do it..................

I could complain about my brother being a mute.
But then I'm not one to speak.

I was a real head turner when I was a young girl.
I was posessed by the devil.

I have a brilliant job. I work with loads of birds and they always turn their heads whenever I'm in the room.
It's great down the owl sanctuary.

What do you call a gurning flower?
Tulip.

I was disappointed with the karaoke machine I bought for my birthday party last night.
Only Samsung.

I'm a uniformed police officer but today I'm working under cover.
I'm not getting out of bed.

I think John Terry should get more respect he is a good player. And apparently he is quite good at football too

I am going to make a living as a pessimist.
Sadly.

I saw the world's biggest, tallest library today and all I could ask myself was:
How many stories do you think that is?

I love to sneak around my estate at night. I take my Two Million Candlelight Torch, I then wait and jump out on coppers.
I'm a right bobby dazzler!

What time do scientists finish work?
Ohm time.

Today I was preparing my great-grandad's funeral , and the undertaker asked me "What would you like your papa's tombstone to be like?"
Shocked, I replied by saying "Vertically on his head if it's quick and painless."
You had to be there to know what it's like to talk to a professional wrestler.

Since my wife drunkenly threw hot tea into my eyes, I haven't been able to look at her in the same way.

There was a bunch of people outside Buckingham Palace this morning discussing the fact there were two flags flying on the roof.
Talk about double standards.

I couldn't decide if my new matress was comfy, so I slept on it.

The sun was shining, so I took the kids to the beach. I felt very hot and started peeling.
My foreskin.

My depression has forced me to move house to The Fens.
My life has reached a new low.

Who says 2 negatives don't make a positive?
What about "Don't stop"

Just had a bloke ask if he could rent my house.
I said, "Sorry mate, I just can't let you."

I believe that God created the world in his spare time for fun.
I'm a Recreationist.