Wordplay Joke

As I ate swedes with my delicious meal in Stockholm, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the irony.
Unfortunately, the authorities didn't look quite as light heartedly at cannibalism as I.

Wordplay Joke

E will be the end of me.

Wordplay Joke

We've got flash floods in my area today.
I've already found myself a Rolex in a puddle.

Wordplay Joke

Who said Shakespeare was irrelevant?
As he handed over the computer files of the News of the World to the police today, James Murdoch uttered the words, "This is the WinZip of our disc contents."

Wordplay Joke

If Mary has 4 bananas, Paul has 8 oranges and Tariq has 2 Apples...
How spoilt is Tariq.

Wordplay Joke

I thought it would be hilarious to replace my mate Tony's tea with pee. Apparently he's had a sore throat ever since.
Now he's a little horse.

Wordplay Joke

Hitting on a child:
Adding an 's' on the start doesn't make it any more legal.

Wordplay Joke

I keep seeing the signs "Polling Station" today, its so wrong, they come to our country... Working in coffee shops or wash cars for a living, and they get their own stations

Wordplay Joke

As an athlete I've always struggled with running events, so today I've decided to try the javelin, hammer and discus.
I'm having a field day.

Wordplay Joke

Bit disappointed by the stripper I got for my birthday,
I'm quite happy with the paint job on my doors at the moment

Wordplay Joke

I was winding my girlfriend up the other day,
In hindsight, I should have got a traditional inflatable plastic doll but no, I had to be different...

Wordplay Joke

Above all
I'm seven foot two .

Wordplay Joke

This next song is called 'Lego'
Break it down.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Steel giants Tata to lose 1500 jobs.
The clue might have been in the name...

Wordplay Joke

So the head of IMF is in a 24 hour home detention and one armed guard is to be deployed at all times. That's a bit silly, a one armed man can easily be overpowered!

Wordplay Joke

I've held the Longest Sprint record for 2 years running.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said, "I think Barcelona will win tomorrow"
I said, "Put your money where your mouth is?"
She said, "Oi shhink arshhloer mmm mmin momorr"

Wordplay Joke

Naomi Campbell is upset to be described as a chocolate bar
*Snickers*

Wordplay Joke

My wife said to me "Cleaning isn't your forte"
I said "What's 'forte'"
She said "Egg and chips"

Wordplay Joke

My wife threw a plate at me so I went on the counter attack.
But repeatedly punching the kitchen side-board achieved absolutely nothing.

Wordplay Joke

News Headline; 'Stick' found on beach used as cricket bat actually leg bone.'
Secondary Headline; 'Bystander caught making LBW joke at scene ironically beaten to death with cricket bat.'

Wordplay Joke

Having no ears is unheard of

Wordplay Joke

Airline food is plane disgusting.

Wordplay Joke

The club logo on my beloved football shirt has come off.
I'm crestfallen.

Wordplay Joke

Today I invented a new kind of secret language. It involves repeating the word 'sorry' a certain number of times at different speeds in order to communicate.
I call it remorse code.