Anybody know how to sketch an empty bullet cos i've drawn a blank
I've always looked 5 years young for my age, which was a bit creepy at birth.
I'm attempting to smash the world record for balancing on a bread type savoury.
I'm actually doing really well. I'm on a roll.
Haiti: a cracking country.
My wife miscarried last night.
I kept telling her; back straight, knees bent.
In Lehmann's terms you're a rubbish goalkeeper
I once knew a dwarf who worked in the Police Force.
His nickname was laptop.
He was a small PC.
Lately I've been really paranoid that my wife is going to cheat on me, so when I heard she fancied Sir Paul McCartney I broke into his house and rigged his guitar to electrocute him.
Now that's one Les Paul to worry about.
My doctor told me to take some genteel exercise, so this morning I've been sipping Pimms in a punt.
I was genuinely considering adopting an African kid the other day, before I remembered... I hate goats
Imagine a world without made up scenarios...
I can't bare to leave my job at the local supermarket
I think it's Stockroom Syndrome.
I love mugshots. They get you drunk faster.
Why do 1,2,3,4,6,7,8 and 9 hate 5?
Because 5 is mean.
The World Health Organisation are still campaigning against female castration in Africa. An official said, "These poor women are literally bleeding to death in the bush."
The good thing about schizophrenia is that you'll never be a single parent.
Drugs are for mugs and mugs are for tea, I like tea so drugs are for me.
Was clothes shopping online earlier and I logged onto Yorkshiremenswear.com.
All I got was a load of northern blokes effing and blinding.
Whenever we discuss politics, one of my mates brings up how he feels the country should be a theocracy.
But then, Theo would say that.
I'm going to the opening of the new local hive today.
They're giving away free bees.
Just bought myself a barge pole. Thought I'd push the boat out.
21% of people cheat at their office Christmas party. I'm ashamed to admit I also cheated at my Christmas party.
I sat down before the music stopped.
I was down at my allotment when I noticed that the Iraqi guy on the adjoining patch had covered his vegetables with thin metal sheets.
Well that's another terrorist plot foiled.
What do you call someone who discriminates against farmers?
A vacuum cleaner salesman appeared at my door and asked if I wanted a demonstration.
After I said yes, he marched up and down the street with a banner saying 'Buy This Hoover'!