Wordplay Joke

Anybody know how to sketch an empty bullet cos i've drawn a blank

Wordplay Joke

I've always looked 5 years young for my age, which was a bit creepy at birth.

Wordplay Joke

I'm attempting to smash the world record for balancing on a bread type savoury.
I'm actually doing really well. I'm on a roll.

Wordplay Joke

Haiti: a cracking country.

Wordplay Joke

My wife miscarried last night.
I kept telling her; back straight, knees bent.

Wordplay Joke

In Lehmann's terms you're a rubbish goalkeeper

Wordplay Joke

I once knew a dwarf who worked in the Police Force.
His nickname was laptop.
He was a small PC.

Wordplay Joke

Lately I've been really paranoid that my wife is going to cheat on me, so when I heard she fancied Sir Paul McCartney I broke into his house and rigged his guitar to electrocute him.
Now that's one Les Paul to worry about.

Wordplay Joke

My doctor told me to take some genteel exercise, so this morning I've been sipping Pimms in a punt.

Wordplay Joke

I was genuinely considering adopting an African kid the other day, before I remembered... I hate goats

Wordplay Joke

Imagine a world without made up scenarios...

Wordplay Joke

I can't bare to leave my job at the local supermarket
I think it's Stockroom Syndrome.

Wordplay Joke

I love mugshots. They get you drunk faster.

Wordplay Joke

Why do 1,2,3,4,6,7,8 and 9 hate 5?
Because 5 is mean.

Wordplay Joke

The World Health Organisation are still campaigning against female castration in Africa. An official said, "These poor women are literally bleeding to death in the bush."

Wordplay Joke

The good thing about schizophrenia is that you'll never be a single parent.

Wordplay Joke

Drugs are for mugs and mugs are for tea, I like tea so drugs are for me.

Wordplay Joke

Was clothes shopping online earlier and I logged onto Yorkshiremenswear.com.
All I got was a load of northern blokes effing and blinding.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever we discuss politics, one of my mates brings up how he feels the country should be a theocracy.
But then, Theo would say that.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to the opening of the new local hive today.
They're giving away free bees.

Wordplay Joke

Just bought myself a barge pole. Thought I'd push the boat out.

Wordplay Joke

21% of people cheat at their office Christmas party. I'm ashamed to admit I also cheated at my Christmas party.
I sat down before the music stopped.

Wordplay Joke

I was down at my allotment when I noticed that the Iraqi guy on the adjoining patch had covered his vegetables with thin metal sheets.
Well that's another terrorist plot foiled.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call someone who discriminates against farmers?
A pharmacist.

Wordplay Joke

A vacuum cleaner salesman appeared at my door and asked if I wanted a demonstration.
After I said yes, he marched up and down the street with a banner saying 'Buy This Hoover'!