Wordplay Joke

BBC News - "Five-a-day will not cut cancer". It will for me...
...I'd normally smoke 40.

Wordplay Joke

I turned 32 today.
It's now 23.

Wordplay Joke

I was sat in traffic the other day...
I got ran over

Wordplay Joke

This Sod guy must be pretty powerful..
Everybody knows about his law.

Wordplay Joke

I wanted to work as a Wizard but I couldn't get the staff.

Wordplay Joke

"I'd like to buy this chess set please"
"How will you be paying, sir?"
"Check mate"..

Wordplay Joke

A woman spent 35 years working for Natwest bank. She was recently made redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
Doctors say she's just suffering from withdrawal symptoms

Wordplay Joke

I've seen loads of music concerts for AIDS with Bono and Bob Geldof and Queen.
Why don't they just get The Cure?

Wordplay Joke

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it.

Wordplay Joke

I used to work on the factory floor.
Until the management told me I had to stand up.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is upset because I didn't get her what she asked for, for her birthday
She said she wanted something that's electrical, that vibrates and brings waves of pleasure.
I got her the Ultimate Deluxe Rapid Fire X-Box 360 controller.

Wordplay Joke

I got kicked out of my local record store after enquiring about a Coldplay song.
I only went in looking for Trouble.

Wordplay Joke

I'm off camping later. Anyone know where I can get a pink feather boa?

Wordplay Joke

Our local Dominoes has shut down. Not sure why, but can't help feeling that'll be the first of many.

Wordplay Joke

My mate's lost his sense of touch... you've got to feel for him.

Wordplay Joke

:If a robot does the robot is it still called the robot or is it just dancing?

Wordplay Joke

There is a thin line between being fit and being fat.
That thin line being the letter "i"

Wordplay Joke

Im getting a bit sick of eating boiled eggs with soldiers every morning.
I can't wait to leave the Army.

Wordplay Joke

I wanted Cheryl Cole to have a Christmas no.1
On my face.

Wordplay Joke

Thought Spurs had signed a new right-back but it turned out to be Hutton dressed as Lahm

Wordplay Joke

Due to the cutbacks, I was made redundant from teaching at the deaf school.
The irony is, I still sign on Thursday.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?
A sewing machine's only got one bobbin

Wordplay Joke

I'm involved in the illegal trading of large male deer.
It's big bucks.

Wordplay Joke

The kids don't understand the sacrifices I make.
Every Sunday, I cut the throat of a goat.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a dog whistle, but it's rubbish.
Whenever I put it in his mouth, he just starts dribbling.