Wordplay Joke

The wife and I are trying to get pregnant...
I'll be honest...
I think she'll get there first.

Wordplay Joke

Isn't the English language strange?
Literally speaking, the opposite of up-lifting must be down-dropping. Which sounds like dropping a kid with learning disabilities down some stairs.
Which I personally find very uplifting.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a proud Geordie and just read that the best place to live and raise a family is Scandinavia.
Norway...

Wordplay Joke

For the last three weeks I've received letters that read 'innit blud, you is lovin da jerk chickin. Peace.' I just couldn't understand it.
Turns out I was being black-mailed..

Wordplay Joke

I got sacked from my job at the clock factory.
I just stood around making faces all day.

Wordplay Joke

I managed to upset people today at my wifes funeral today by asking them if they enjoyed the service...
Most of them think I shouldn't have been playing Tennis.

Wordplay Joke

Our 'Relate' Counsellor said my wife and I needed to talk about the elephant in the room.
I turned to my wife and said ''see, even she thinks you're fat"

Wordplay Joke

I've always found the letter "n" divides opinion.

Wordplay Joke

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Wordplay Joke

A bloke sees a cat in the window of a pet shop with a sign saying 'Cats from Holland for sale' so he goes in and says, "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

Wordplay Joke

I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.
When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.

Wordplay Joke

My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells and told me I had to lift them all over the next quarter of an hour.
Weight a minute...

Wordplay Joke

Polce Toay Announce They Are Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

Wordplay Joke

Walking.
It's the way forward.

Wordplay Joke

Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, 'Wow, what a counter attack.'

Wordplay Joke

If Benitez asked his Liverpool squad to push pineapples and shake a tree, what would Agger do?

Wordplay Joke

I heard about this tv game show and thought the wife would be perfect for it. However, when I read the application form it turned out I heard it wrong.
It's actually called "Fact Hunt"

Wordplay Joke

My wife bought me a shot of Botox for my birthday...
I didn't look that suprised.

Wordplay Joke

I got a parking ticket yesterday for parking in a spot with a wheelchair on it.
The police must have heard the guy screaming.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend asked me the other day, "Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."

Wordplay Joke

If there's one thing that always makes me laugh.
N2O.

Wordplay Joke

I took my missus out for dinner the other night but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the table. Eventually, I managed to order a steak. She ended up getting toed in the hole.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend's engagement ring cost me four figures...
R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

Wordplay Joke

Hollywood.
It's made a huge name for itself.

Wordplay Joke

Someone just called my mate an ape.
I took offense because he's my prime mate.