Wordplay Joke

I said to the doctor "I fear German people"
He replied "You're Klaustraphobic."

Wordplay Joke

I used to have rules that people couldn't smoke in my house.
But they soon went out the window.

Wordplay Joke

I normally like a film with a bit of gore in it but even I was disappointed by An Inconvenient Truth.

Wordplay Joke

I saw Kate and Gerry banging their steering wheel, but the horn was not working.
It was then I realised, they were probably in car hoots.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News- 'openness demanded over oil spills'
Isn't that what caused them in the first place?

Wordplay Joke

My mate swallowed his tongue last week.
His shoes look stupid now.

Wordplay Joke

"Put out the cat before you come to bed!" my wife shouted down to me.
So I covered its litter tray with shrinkwrap.

Wordplay Joke

My wife couldn't remember a thing after her breast cancer operation......... She was suffering from mammory loss.

Wordplay Joke

"Its a small world"
I said as I spun my new desktop globe.

Wordplay Joke

My Irish mate has just gone down to Travis Perkins timber yard.
He said he was going to see what this craze planking is all about.

Wordplay Joke

What did the letter W say to M?
Wow, nice flip.

Wordplay Joke

I'm producing a new reality t.v. show. We take ten sailors and try to mold them into chefs.
Cooking with seamen.

Wordplay Joke

"I'm sending you to prison for 3 months", said the judge.
"What's the charge?", I asked.
"There's no charge, everything's free!", replied the judge.

Wordplay Joke

The local Sailing Club For People With Eating Disorders has recently had its government funding cut.
Its now down to a skeleton crew.

Wordplay Joke

I learnt yesterday where the word peninsular originated, 'insular' Latin for Island, 'Pen' meaning not quite, 'peninsular' literally meaning not quite an island.
'Pen Friend' Not quite a friend.

Wordplay Joke

Ive just seen two tramps playing leapfrog and generally acting the goat.
Silly beggars.

Wordplay Joke

Dieting is wishful shrinking.

Wordplay Joke

I signed up to a date website a few weeks back.
It's been a big help with raisin my hopes.

Wordplay Joke

Wow iron man.
How did you get those creases out?

Wordplay Joke

Top tip: the Household Waste Recycling Centre at Dewsbury

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS- "Obama ignores China on Dalai Lama."
The poor Dalai Lama must have got tea all over his lap.

Wordplay Joke

I really don't know what I did wrong.
I was peacefully eating my chicken tikka masala with a spoon when the waiter told me get the fork out.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my new girlfriend, "I think your dads got it in for me."
She said, "Has he? Thanks Dad, we'll shout you if it comes back out again."

Wordplay Joke

Enjoy your spliffs, folks.
The only home grown I get is when the wife sighs wistfully.

Wordplay Joke

I was called to identify my late Greek Grandfather recently. He had drowned in a large bowl of sauce whilst eating some Pita bread.
It was very distressing for me; I have never seen a posthumous body before.