Wordplay Joke

My mate reckons he's the best pot dealer in the country.
I think he's just got delusions of ganja.

Wordplay Joke

I just tried some of the new "Trebor extra strong gum" this morning, it was mint.

Wordplay Joke

Ban land mines now!
It's time to put our foot down.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the gym today, tried some powerlifting, did the clean and jerk.
This was quite strange for me, as I usually do that the other way around.

Wordplay Joke

I maintain a house attached to one other house.
I love telling people that I'm nursing a semi.

Wordplay Joke

The missus had to have both her legs amputated and the doctor gave her some cream for the wounds.
I'll stand by her though...just to rub it in.

Wordplay Joke

I just saw a sign in Specsavers,
'70% off Frames'
Surely the lenses would fall out.

Wordplay Joke

I've just met my daughters Special Needs teacher.
How a mong got such an important job I'll never know.

Wordplay Joke

I pushed my wife down the water channel at Alton Towers.
She was fluming.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Senior dental consultant removed.
I wonder who's going to be filling in?

Wordplay Joke

We woke up this morning to the wife's head stinking of fish, with a gill sprouting out one ear and a tail fin from the other.
The doctor reckons it's the worst looking brain tuna he's ever seen.

Wordplay Joke

I tried poaching a rhino the other day. I couldn't find a big enough pan though.

Wordplay Joke

I used to go out with a baker.
I had to dump her in the end though.
She was too kneedy.

Wordplay Joke

I kicked out my wife last night...
It's like licking out but uses considerably more foot.

Wordplay Joke

*Newflash* Russel Crowe has been arrested and charged with Cannibalism after a female extra from his latest movie went missing and search teams were unable to trace the body.
When asked if he regretted his actions, Mr Crowe's publicist simply replied "No, he's Gladiator"

Wordplay Joke

I've designed a form of camouflage that is 100% effective.
I'd love to show it to you, but I can't.

Wordplay Joke

My mate challenged me to a game of drafts today.
I won with a 3000 word essay.

Wordplay Joke

My Italian friend just told me he's built a frame of metal bars to hold wood when it's burning in his fireplace.
I said , "How is it?"
He said, "It's a grate."

Wordplay Joke

If you have any gloves you don't want, I'll take them off your hands.

Wordplay Joke

I bought my wife a 6ft spoon for Christmas.
Really caused a stir.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend.
So when I came home this morning I did the tango instead.

Wordplay Joke

I was knocking one out at work today when I thought to myself "I hate my job as an anaesthetist"

Wordplay Joke

I bought my fat wife some size 10 clothes for her birthday,
Many unhappy returns

Wordplay Joke

I get my kicks out of cuddling wild horses.

Wordplay Joke

I can make a sandwich with both hands tied behind my back.
Incredible feat.