Wordplay Joke

The easiest kind of 'ship' to wreck is a relation'ship'.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot about the French Navy.
Make that 20,000th easiest.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my friend if he was up for going to a country in the Middle East.
He said Yemen.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the new Iranian President? His story's amazing, he grew up with just his dad, and they never had enough food apparently.
Yeah, his name's Wheresmadinnerdad.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a lot of sympathy for ploughmen.
Some of their job is harrowing.

Wordplay Joke

I always drink responsibly.
In fact, I'm responsible for at least 90% of all the drinking in my family.

Wordplay Joke

I mistakenly confused Abu Hamza with Abu Qatada.
Must be a clerical error.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a feeling that I've stuck pins in this doll before.
I have this sense of deja voodoo.

Wordplay Joke

I tried out for the hairdresser's football team yesterday.
There was a lot of great highlights, but I didn't quite make the cut.

Wordplay Joke

The method they use to make black pudding is blood-curdling.

Wordplay Joke

Knitting in the dark..
I can't see the point.

Wordplay Joke

Grief takes many forms.
Well, 17 to be precise, if you're claiming the life insurance on your wife.

Wordplay Joke

I wrote a thesis on the universe, but I was told I needed to expand on it.

Wordplay Joke

I sacrificed one of my Kidney's for my wife.
I've had to drink everyday to numb the pain of being married to her.

Wordplay Joke

In Arabic countries the word 'freedom' isn't even in the dictionary.
That's because it's an English word, and they use Arabic.

Wordplay Joke

I've finally discovered the meaning of life.
Dictionaries are so helpful

Wordplay Joke

My perfect girl would have a dazzling smile, a great sense of humour and some amazing legs.
She must also be called Diana Jones.
I know that's a little picky, but what can I say? It's always been a dream of mine to one day be InDiana Jones.

Wordplay Joke

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.

Wordplay Joke

It's the little things in life that make me happy.
Life is hard with a midget fetish.

Wordplay Joke

My maths teacher won't tell me what another word for 'average' is.
Which is mean.

Wordplay Joke

I was milking some cows today.
I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.

Wordplay Joke

As a toddler, I always felt behind on my knowledge of marijuana/ecstasy misuse.
I wasn't Pot/E trained.

Wordplay Joke

I don't get it when people say 'let's make this Olympics special'.
They already have. Its called the Paralympics.

Wordplay Joke

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

Wordplay Joke

My dad was an expert with a mitre saw but he was sacked for cutting too many corners

Wordplay Joke

I can't believe I just paid 1,000 for a new hoover. I'm such a mug. The salesman was so persuasive though, telling me how powerful it was.
I just got sucked in.