Wordplay Joke

I went on a blind date last night.
I just told her it was raining.

Wordplay Joke

I was thrown out of Furniture making College for misunderstanding
'Stool Samples' during my Practical exam.

Wordplay Joke

I lost my job at the deed poll office today after a Jewish guy asked me to change his name from Jeremiah to Ashley.
Apparently It's inappropriate to change my name to 'Hitler' just because I've turned one Jew to Ash.

Wordplay Joke

I was told to use as many key words as possible before going into to my interview but my mind blanked when I got in there.
I could only think of 'skeleton and master' at the time.

Wordplay Joke

I once knew a man that detested everything.
He led abhorring life.

Wordplay Joke

I brought my wife a jigsaw with the words "You are really fat" on the front.
Don't know why she got so upset, it was only a bit of constructive criticism.

Wordplay Joke

My psychiatrist reckons i suffer from extreme anxiety and paranoia
But i don't take any notice of him, he's always had it in for me.

Wordplay Joke

My wife left me because of my obsession with morse code.
Her name's Dot and she made a dash for it.

Wordplay Joke

I think Lou Reed's autobiography is a great toilet book

Wordplay Joke

So this guy came up to me and asked if I would mind telling him about my current level of perspiration.
I was like "Yeah no sweat mate".

Wordplay Joke

I can't see the point in particle physics and finding the origins of the universe.
Why are we even bothering to look for that matter?

Wordplay Joke

After a swim today I was in the changing room, when I noticed a Father and child in the corner.
The little boy was trying to put his shorts on, but the priest kept pulling them down.

Wordplay Joke

We can end wars across the globe simply by renaming all guns "The Messenger".

Wordplay Joke

I was playing in a football match with some of my work colleagues. My boss had the ball and was running towards the opposition goal; I was quickly following beside him...
"Lay me off!" I shouted
I no longer have a job.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between Circular Quay and a poof with AIDS?
One's a ferry terminal, the other is a a terminal fairy.

Wordplay Joke

Giving up drugs is hard, but I'll have a crack at it.

Wordplay Joke

If I had a Billion pounds for every time I confused people people......
I'd be a Millionaire

Wordplay Joke

I allowed someone to paint a portrait of myself on a 30 foot canvas, which was big of me.

Wordplay Joke

At the funfair saw a sign, said "Axe hanging over funfair, please help us."
Then it hit me, bit of a sore point to be honest.

Wordplay Joke

Why don't Nun's wear bra's?
Because 'God' supports them.

Wordplay Joke

My 4 year old daughter drew me a picture today - needless to say it looked like the paper had been sick on itself, but of course I said to her 'Oh thank you darling, on the fridge it goes!' She was so pleased. But luckily, I didn't specify who's fridge it would be and I haven't been to see my Mum in ages...

Wordplay Joke

It was a bit pointless teaching my dog how to sit.
No sane person will trust a rottweiler to look after their children.

Wordplay Joke

Hear about the lonely prisoner in a Glasgow jail?
He was in his cell.

Wordplay Joke

I love going to dress shops and trying on the odd fancy frock.
I'm a bit of a frill seeker.

Wordplay Joke

My mate has offered to give me a gate with one minor flaw, at no expense.
Where's the catch?