Wordplay Joke

Never in my life have I stood for irony...
I'm disabled.

Wordplay Joke

I dropped acid for the first time last week.
It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been on my lab partner's foot, and had I not been so high on mushrooms.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the best ever burger van today.
It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

Wordplay Joke

No handbrakes. Thats how i roll

Wordplay Joke

The wife tends to have her bath with only a couple of inches or so of water in.
Tried it myself last night.
It didn't float my boat.

Wordplay Joke

I was dismayed to find out how much the giant wedding cake my fiancee wanted would cost.
I shed a tier.

Wordplay Joke

I knew she liked Bukkake - I could see it in her eyes.

Wordplay Joke

When my wife died I hired twenty epileptic dancers and a strobe light for the funeral.
It was a fitting tribute.

Wordplay Joke

I mistook the driving range for the shooting range today.
The golfers went mental, but I still managed to get a hole in one.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a charity ball in aid of women who have suffered from breast cancer.
The punch was fabulous but in keeping with the event it was limited to one jug per person.

Wordplay Joke

I just bought a muslim cow with a drinking problem.
His name is Moo Hammered.

Wordplay Joke

I'm dating a lady called Sue, however, every woman I've ever dated has ended up killing themselves...
Sue aside.

Wordplay Joke

A man was walking down a street when he came upon a beautiful woman.
He got 3-5 years.

Wordplay Joke

I think it was totally unfair what they did to rosa parks on that bus.
She did call shotgun.

Wordplay Joke

I just had a Turkey and Chile sandwich, and to be honest, I haited it,
they're also hard to eat when the plate keeps shifting!

Wordplay Joke

I'm getting absolutely fed up by all these sick birds being brought over to England to be cured cheaply by our expert vets.
It's high time the government did something to clamp down on these ill eagle immigrants.

Wordplay Joke

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila.

Wordplay Joke

I can't take it anymore.
The local shop has installed CCTV.

Wordplay Joke

I was given life in prison today.
That sure cheered me up, I love David Attenborough.

Wordplay Joke

I've just opened a charity shop to raise money for victims of domestic violence.
It's called the Pound shop.

Wordplay Joke

Un homme entre dans une bibliothque et demande un livre sur le suicide.
Le bibliothcaire dit: "Va te faire foutre, vous ne pourrez pas le ramener."
My French is a joke

Wordplay Joke

I've just lost my thesaurus today.
I feel very sad.

Wordplay Joke

'What do we want?'
'COMPROMISE'
'When do we want it?'
'What time is good for you?'

Wordplay Joke

I was playing football in the park with some mates and this disabled kid came over and said "I wish I could join in". So we let him play in goal.
I say 'in goal', we used him and his wheelchair as goalposts.

Wordplay Joke

My missus has nicknamed me "met office". Every night she goes to bed expecting a few inches, but wakes up dissapointed in the morning