Wordplay Joke

My wife just left her job at HMRC.
She found it too taxing.

Wordplay Joke

Some people like them mashed, boiled or roasted, but I like my potatoes cooked by a Chav.
Sauteed.

Wordplay Joke

BBC: Bearded dragon dumped in Edinburgh supermarket toilet.
"I thought we were happy" commented a devastated Deborah Meaden.

Wordplay Joke

I got sacked from my job at the fishing bait factory for causing trouble.
I guess you could say I opened a can of worms.

Wordplay Joke

I rang Duncan Bannatyne the other night to pitch an idea to him but before I could go any further he said:
"I'm out".
Got his answering machine.

Wordplay Joke

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job.
Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

Wordplay Joke

Trifle (noun) - A three barreled rifle.

Wordplay Joke

Last week I decided to read the dictionary.
It didn't take me long, after 5 chapters I had already reached the end.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to try and get a conversion kick and a penalty goal in the upcoming rugby match. Might not make it, but it's worth a try.

Wordplay Joke

My dad came very close to becoming President of the USA.
He was an undertaker in the army. Barrack Embalmer.

Wordplay Joke

I just put some batteries on charge. I think they are revolting.

Wordplay Joke

Cat Flaps; apparently not the most romantic name for my girlfriend's "downstairs".

Wordplay Joke

I make leather goods for a living. One of my customers sent me a letter of complaint today, claiming that the luggage I made for her was too top heavy and that the feet were unevenly placed, so she intended to sue me.
I'm confident that her case will never stand up in court.

Wordplay Joke

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."
That's the only reason I'm still married...

Wordplay Joke

My dad cam to me and said "theres a guy at the front door with no arms and legs"
I said "oh, you mean Matt"

Wordplay Joke

I absolutley destroyed my wife in the sack the other day...
She beat me in egg and spoon though.

Wordplay Joke

I was thinking of a place where water can be found that starts with a 'W' today but eventually just gave up.
Oh well.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she's leaving me because I never support her in making decisions.
Until now.

Wordplay Joke

things are tense with my wife. past tense.

Wordplay Joke

Just walked past a pub called the Dog Inn. Can't imagine the shenanigans that go on in their car park...

Wordplay Joke

Went to see Les Miserables last night..It's about a group of depressed lesbians.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a dance for the disabled last night.
Well I say dance, it was more of a shindig.

Wordplay Joke

This bloke from the pub tries to sell computers on the cheap.
He's a bit of a Dell Boy.

Wordplay Joke

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

Wordplay Joke

My TV screen went black today.
I can't get it to go back