Wordplay Joke

What's the best way to make a woman feel wanted?
Drink 12 pints of Stella.

Wordplay Joke

Got my foreskin caught in my zip this morning.
What the doctor did at the hospital to get it out was a bit if an eye opener.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is always whining about how much I suffocate her.
Maybe, I'm not pressing the pillow hard enough.

Wordplay Joke

I really love covers of Michael Jackson songs.
The 15 tog "Thriller" quilt is my favourite.

Wordplay Joke

I'm thinking of writing a joke about metal smelting... don't slag it off.

Wordplay Joke

Seal - Kiss From a Rose... More like fallen face first in a Rose Bush.

Wordplay Joke

I played poker with a crocodile last night.
Lost a couple of hands.

Wordplay Joke

The reason i'm feeling pensive is because i just took the ex out. Couldn't afford a divorce.

Wordplay Joke

I don't see what all this fuss about beating your meat is.
Got me sacked from the butchers.

Wordplay Joke

Has anyone tried that new aftershave made in tribute to the Hindenburg disaster?
Eau De Humanity.

Wordplay Joke

Had a fall out with the wife last night...Serves me right for forcing the tube doors open between stations.

Wordplay Joke

When my local newspaper agreed to publish a weekly column by me they called to tell me that they would need a mugshot.
Without hesitation I picked up my rifle, went into town and gunned down Jamie Oliver.

Wordplay Joke

Accidently just put eye drops in my ears.
I can see what im hearing.

Wordplay Joke

With the welfare state reform now coming in, many chavs have found themselves fleeing the country across the Channel to France to set up new settlements where they may live without fear of losing their money.
French police say that they will not be intervening in the towns of Gipeau, Asbeau and Jiereau.

Wordplay Joke

My neighbour won't stop singing in the flat below me.
Makes it very difficult to harmonise.

Wordplay Joke

Is it just me or have I never actually seen a fish with fingers?

Wordplay Joke

My friend started smoking the other day.
So we put him out.

Wordplay Joke

Sky news: Boy aged 2, dies after fire rescue.
Why didn't they save the boy first?

Wordplay Joke

There's a theory among academics that the works of William Shakespeare were actually written by Francis Bacon.
He wasn't bard.

Wordplay Joke

Just heard through a friend of a friend that I've been given a place on my local church choir!
Not taking it as Gospel though.

Wordplay Joke

My friends spend hours doing puzzles like this:
D R O N E S
D R O N E
_ _ _ _
D O E
D O
It's easily done.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend is distraught after having her legs amputated.
In retrospect, telling her she'll be okay once she find's her feet probably didn't make her feel any better.

Wordplay Joke

My ladder business isn't doing that well at the moment.
Better step up my game.

Wordplay Joke

BP bosses are under fire again for ridiculing the victims of the oil leak. Several of them were seen arriving at work today with their hair slicked back.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Henry leaves Barcelona for New York
He should hoover up over there?