Wordplay Joke

Can't go through the gate?
Get over it

Wordplay Joke

I run my own gym. People have been coming for ages but don't
seem to be getting any stronger.
It's the same weak in weak out.

Wordplay Joke

My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.
'Ugh disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.'
'Where will we get it?' she replied
'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'

Wordplay Joke

I've given up using Match.com.
After 6 long months I haven't met a single girl to play football against.

Wordplay Joke

I sailed my old boat out to sea this afternoon and did 17 knots in her...
Surely there's an easier way to tie your laces!

Wordplay Joke

My friend got diagnosed with impotence. It's a shame, cause I'm having a party tonight, and now he can't come.

Wordplay Joke

My mates reckon my steroid use has no advantages.
I disagree strongly.

Wordplay Joke

Just bought some new Shakespearin pain killers.
They come in capulets.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the surgery performed in Prague? They succeeded in separating siamese twins joined at the hip. And after 16 hours in surgery....
the doctor handed each parent a separate Czech

Wordplay Joke

I felt really sore after sleeping on my arm last night.
Maybe I'll go back to using my bed.

Wordplay Joke

I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'

Wordplay Joke

I was telling a friend about an ancient tale to bring wealth, health and happiness to your family and I told him I had been doing it.
I told him I got a blood orange and a red apple, I had to soak them overnight in a pot with some hair or a nail from the members of my family.
In the morning, and this bit is critical, you have to put the apple and the orange into specific places. So I put the apple in a shoe but it had be a right shoe.
He said "wow that's an interesting story, what's the origin?"
I said, 'it's in a sock next to the apple'

Wordplay Joke

NEWS: World Masturbating Championships 2013 to be held on Palm Sunday.

Wordplay Joke

I complemented my friend on their moustache
Now she wont talk to me

Wordplay Joke

What's Jay-Z's favourite toy?
A yo-yo.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been learning about Newton's law of universal gravitation and it really bought me back down to Earth.

Wordplay Joke

My daughter has been put on the Olympic gymnastics team.
She flipped when she found out.

Wordplay Joke

I always get criticised for expressing phrases too literally. But at the end of the day, its night-time.

Wordplay Joke

I've finally realised what's been bugging me lately.
The FBI.

Wordplay Joke

I have a Scottish Carp in my pond,
It's the real McKoi.

Wordplay Joke

Our local rubbish collectors have issued a stern warning today...
They're stamping down on overfilled bins.

Wordplay Joke

Our local rubbish collectors have issued a stern warning today...
They're stamping down on overfilled bins.

Wordplay Joke

I met this bird the other day...
It kind of killed the mood when she started bringing sticks back to my bed.

Wordplay Joke

I could have made a career as a professional snooker player if only I'd got a break.

Wordplay Joke

I'm getting fed up with reading Time Machine jokes.
If I read another one, I'll hang myself yesterday morning.