Wordplay Joke

I spent much of my childhood in an oven.
It's just how I was raised.

Wordplay Joke

I took my kids to feed the lions at the zoo today.
They ate the bones and everything.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to tell a gag about the army, but it's a private joke.

Wordplay Joke

My ex text me today saying, "I know we haven't spoken in a while but my aunt on my mum's side died today."
I replied, "I didn't even notice she had a Siamese twin."

Wordplay Joke

My father's been talking to me from beyond the grave.
It's nice, but why does he insist we meet in the cemetery?

Wordplay Joke

I went to one of those dating agencies the other day.
They took one look at me and said "25th March 1976".
Well impressed.

Wordplay Joke

I went to watch that film where Tom Hanks gets really old really quick but accidentally rented Philadelphia.
Big mistake.

Wordplay Joke

Been asked to do a stand up gig for a dried fruit company, just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates.

Wordplay Joke

The submarine division of the French Navy are the best at covert operations.
They are naturally gifted when it comes to a sub mission.

Wordplay Joke

In my first driving test I got three minors and a major...
The soldier was fine but the kid's parents were mortified.

Wordplay Joke

When my daughter, Laura, was 8, my wife told her we were thinking of having another baby girl.
She worked it out and said '...That'll makes 2 of us.'
Impressed with how quickly she understood the concept, my wife said 'That's right, sweetie. 2 little angels.'
Laura said 'No, I mean Daddy's friend got me pregnant too'

Wordplay Joke

I caught my 10 year old daughter masturbating with fruit earlier...
She must've got confused when I told her "That's where the man goes"

Wordplay Joke

Mathematicians that refuse to use the Mode and Median averages are just Mean.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a girl walking down the street struggling to carry a huge flight of stairs
I pulled up beside her, smiled, and said "Need a lift?"

Wordplay Joke

That English actor from House will be saying a few words at Eddie Stobarts funeral.
His family say that an articulated Laurie, would be the best vehicle for the eulogy.

Wordplay Joke

I found some fish fingers, today.
Oh well... Findus keepers.

Wordplay Joke

I was chucked out of a seance last night.
The medium asked if I had a spirit guide and I said "Yes, it's Trevor at Bargain Booze."

Wordplay Joke

Tested out my new golf swing today. I swing one handed with a finger up my nose. It's not as good as i thought it would be. I kept getting bogeys at every hole.

Wordplay Joke

The wife woke me up at five o'clock this morning to nip down the shop for the papers.
I think she might have a serious cannabis problem.

Wordplay Joke

I was downloading a video from the net about how germs can cause flu.
I ended up with a streaming cold.

Wordplay Joke

I changed my Facebook status: "Women just don't think I'm funny."
Luckily I noticed that I missed a fullstop after "think" and managed to rectify the situation before any harm was done.

Wordplay Joke

I dont know what everyone's so upset about.
I love cutting up onions.

Wordplay Joke

After my wife kicked me out, I hit the road
Which is probably how I broke my knuckles.

Wordplay Joke

In an ideal world, I'd work in a casino.

Wordplay Joke

I'm scared of buddhism.
Think I've got zenophobia.