An i-pod and a CD player both walk into a pub.
The barman takes one look at them and says,
"Oi! We'll have no stereotype jokes in here."

I had a leaflet through my door last week advertising the 'Third World Clothing Appeal'.
It all sounds a bit suspect to me; I have no recollection of the first two.

I was thinking of concealing explosives in my calculator and detonating it during a calculus lesson but I was worried about the aftermath.

I like to make small jam filled pastries and let them fall onto the floor.
I love a dirty little tart.

I constantly stalk women that wear perfume.
That's Obsession for you.

You know what really gets my goat? Goat thieves.

I've lost my favourite saw.
I'm not coping very well.

What's the difference between being neatly dressed on a bicycle and poorly dressed on tricycle. A tire.

A great ball of fire has just landed in my garden.
I thought to myself, "Goodness gracious."

I've got a mole that has turned a funny colour which worries me slightly.
I think I'll take it to the vet.

For the past few weeks I've been pretending I'm a famous tennis player from
the seventies and early eighties.
My girlfriend must think I was Bjorn yesterday.

I've just been laid off from the cake factory due to the credit crunch.
Hundreds and Thousands are at risk!

If you don't feel very well, what should you do?
Take your gloves off.

The life of a man suffering from erectile dysfunction is not a hard one.

My tripod is missing a leg. I can't stand it.

My mate brought over his invisible sword the other day.
He loves the thing, but I just can't see the point.

My Grandad's now moved into sheltered accommodation.
He's gone completely mad and lives at a bus stop.

I was fingering this bird at work yesterday, and we got caught.
So much for promotion at the pet shop eh?

Men don't get this. Period.

My new girlfriend isn't as dirty in bed as I'd hoped she'd be. I asked for "ATM" and she drove me to a cash machine.

Depeche Mode have opened a pizzeria up.
Apparently it specialises in custom toppings specifically your own, personal cheeses.

The problem with a fifty pound note is that it is too heavy to carry around.

Having not been at home all weekend and just getting home, the wife said, "I bet you've been in that town near Portsmouth again."
I said, " Havant."

There were three holes in the ground,
Well well well.

I've just had my planning application for some land turned down.
Ah well, best not dwell on it.