Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We're a cover band.
I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.
Me and my brother were both born with no hands.
I know exactly how he feels.
My daughter was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot.
I said, "Well, with a little make-up..."
My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:
"Chinese," I replied.
I beat my Mum up this morning.
She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.
Sadly, even after years of meditation in a Tibetan monastery, Wally never managed to find himself.
Scousers take everything seriously.
No seriously, they take everything.
I made a Staggering discovery the other day.
You get home from the pub a lot slower that way.
Well, I'm glad someone has finally brought up this Kony business... Him and his brother Hamsung have been getting away with selling knock-off TVs for years now...
This Thursday on BBC2:
Wonderland: Can We Get Married?
"Emma and Ben are 28 and have been together for 6 years. They're thinking of getting married but both have Down's syndrome. Will marriage be everything they've dreamed of?"
No because two mongs don't make a right.
Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?
He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.
I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.
One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."
The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."
A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."
After realising that I had accidentally eaten my clone, I shat myself.
Check this one out:
Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.
I've just been diagnosed with a tumour. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.
The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.
I say staff... but really it's just a big stick I use to beat her with.
If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.
I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few kilometres of the Great Manchester Run yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"
My best mate is called Tiba.
Sometimes, I think he's a bit backwards.