My brother and I played a game this Christmas - the winner was the first to name their worst Christmas present besides socks and underwear.
It was a tie.
Integers are pointless.
I was talking to a girl from the USA earlier. She told me, "I miss America."
I didn't believe her though: her grammar was terrible and she wasn't that attractive.
Me and the wife have bought a lighthouse.
It only weighs 12 kilos.
I ran into a hospital today and told the receptionist I wanted to see a doctor.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Paedophilia." I replied. "But that's not important right now, I need a doctor."
All my dad left me in his will was half a kilo of cocaine.
But I can deal with that.
Around the festive time of year, I get itchy skin inflammation all over my body that makes the shape of smiley faces.
I started my new job as a grave digger this week.
I asked my supervisor why immigrants were only buried 3 feet under.
"So they can still get a hand out," he replied.
69, the hard way.
Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before letting his girlfriend use his computer....wookie error
I'm not a big brother fan myself, although I love a bit of small sister now and then!
There's a Muslim in the street carrying a gun. Police say he's Ahmed and dangerous.
Over the last few days I've received 3 anonymous presents:- A bag of almonds, a packet of brazils and a tin of cashews.
I've no idea who it is, but they're sending me nuts.
According to surveys, pessimists now outnumber optimists in Britain...
...but I would imagine most of you were expecting that.
A mother was found dead and stored in a freezer in London, after more than twenty years.
Should have gone to Iceland.
What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight?
Went to a housewarming party, they said bring a gift, I brought them a calor gas heater.
I started my new hoverboard business just this week. Opened the factory and got production going.
Just need the product to get off the ground now
Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are.
I hate power point presentations.
Trainers on, five miles, work up a sweat, shower when I get home.
Don't worry if you don't get that, it's just a running joke of mine.
My teacher told me if I didn't complete my homework, he'd 'come down on me like a ton of bricks.'
Apparently, 'Been a while then has it sir?' was not the correct response.
My mates had a good laugh at my expense last night.
I paid for them to go and see a comedian.
Whilst using a dictionary in the library I got trounced.
To be fair, I was looking for trouble.
So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?"
He said, "Okay then."
I said, "Nearest to bull starts."
He said, "Baa."
I said, "Moo."
He said, "You're closest!"
I've just bought a John Cleese DVD box set off eBay. I need to return it though because two of the discs are Fawlty.