Wordplay Joke

My brother and I played a game this Christmas - the winner was the first to name their worst Christmas present besides socks and underwear.
It was a tie.

Wordplay Joke

Integers are pointless.

Wordplay Joke

I was talking to a girl from the USA earlier. She told me, "I miss America."
I didn't believe her though: her grammar was terrible and she wasn't that attractive.

Wordplay Joke

Me and the wife have bought a lighthouse.
It only weighs 12 kilos.

Wordplay Joke

I ran into a hospital today and told the receptionist I wanted to see a doctor.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Paedophilia." I replied. "But that's not important right now, I need a doctor."

Wordplay Joke

All my dad left me in his will was half a kilo of cocaine.
But I can deal with that.

Wordplay Joke

Around the festive time of year, I get itchy skin inflammation all over my body that makes the shape of smiley faces.
Happy Eczemas.

Wordplay Joke

I started my new job as a grave digger this week.
I asked my supervisor why immigrants were only buried 3 feet under.
"So they can still get a hand out," he replied.

Wordplay Joke

What's LXIX?
69, the hard way.

Wordplay Joke

Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before letting his girlfriend use his computer....wookie error

Wordplay Joke

I'm not a big brother fan myself, although I love a bit of small sister now and then!

Wordplay Joke

There's a Muslim in the street carrying a gun. Police say he's Ahmed and dangerous.

Wordplay Joke

Over the last few days I've received 3 anonymous presents:- A bag of almonds, a packet of brazils and a tin of cashews.
I've no idea who it is, but they're sending me nuts.

Wordplay Joke

According to surveys, pessimists now outnumber optimists in Britain...
...but I would imagine most of you were expecting that.

Wordplay Joke

A mother was found dead and stored in a freezer in London, after more than twenty years.
Should have gone to Iceland.

Wordplay Joke

What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight?
Remote.

Wordplay Joke

Went to a housewarming party, they said bring a gift, I brought them a calor gas heater.

Wordplay Joke

I started my new hoverboard business just this week. Opened the factory and got production going.
Just need the product to get off the ground now

Wordplay Joke

Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are.
I hate power point presentations.

Wordplay Joke

Trainers on, five miles, work up a sweat, shower when I get home.
Don't worry if you don't get that, it's just a running joke of mine.

Wordplay Joke

My teacher told me if I didn't complete my homework, he'd 'come down on me like a ton of bricks.'
Apparently, 'Been a while then has it sir?' was not the correct response.

Wordplay Joke

My mates had a good laugh at my expense last night.
I paid for them to go and see a comedian.

Wordplay Joke

Whilst using a dictionary in the library I got trounced.
To be fair, I was looking for trouble.

Wordplay Joke

So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?"
He said, "Okay then."
I said, "Nearest to bull starts."
He said, "Baa."
I said, "Moo."
He said, "You're closest!"

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a John Cleese DVD box set off eBay. I need to return it though because two of the discs are Fawlty.