My boss came into the office today and shouted "Morning people, how are you?"
I didn't reply though, as I hate waking up early
My son was doing his physics homework when he asked me what gross weight means.
"Any bird over 10 stone" I said.
External stimulation of brainwave patterns. Makes you think, doesn't it?
I'm writing a book about Elizabethan clothing and how uncomfortable it was in the winter.
It's a ruff draught
Sky news -
'European Central Bank In Debt-Buying Pledge'
That's outrageous, they should be buying the value brand of polish...
I had the idea of a new public transport system in which people sit in a carriage pulled by horse while being played live music. Now everyone's jumping on the bandwagon.
I've started doing a magic act for the people I've kidanpped.
I like to have a captive audience.
As I took my first bite, the wife asked, "Now, is that the best steak you've ever tasted?"
I said, "Hmmm... That's a tough one."
My mate just told me he was listening to Lub Tropicana.
I said "surely you mean Club Tropicana?"
Nope it's definitely Lub Tropicana he insisted..
After a quick internet search I finally proved to him it was indeed Club Tropicana
"Aaah you're right." he conceded "But all that was missing was the C"
The cheese was quite scared of the knife.
But his fear was grater.
My wife was born with a strange disease that has left her completely numb from her waist down. For me it's always put a huge strain on our love life.
She doesn't know how hard it is.
I've been trying to think of an anagram for the word rap but unfortunately today I'm just not up to par.
I was calling the Bingo numbers last night.
Some guy shouted "what was the last number?"
"Sorry," I replied "I don't recall."
Me and my mates broke a world record with our Lego tower.
The build up was intense.
Since we moved into our new house,me and the wife have christened every room in the house except the downstairs toilet.
We just cant decide on a name for that.
Went on Dragons Den to offer 20% equity in my new burger business.
Theo offered me 5 but said for that kind of money he wanted a bigger steak.
Yahoo News:'Head of IMF arrested'
What about the rest of his body?
I saw a kid today who had no arms texting away with his phone on his nub and using his tongue
Looked like he had trouble seeing what he was going to put
Although i'm sure it was on the tip of his tongue
Two rites do make a wrong where bigamy is concerned.
Probably the worst job I've ever had was as a minesweeper. Coal dust gets everywhere.
I heard an adverted for a car dealership on the radio, and it said "There's a branch near you!"
To my disbelief there was an oak tree right outside my window.
I met a Chinese bloke who looked green with envy the other day, but it turned out he was just feeling blue.
I got thrown out of the Scottish Highland Games,
couldn't give a toss..
Got my new girlfriend a sterling silver bath for her birthday.
Turns out she's more into golden showers.
I went to the music shop and asked for a violin.
The shopkeeper then gave me one with a bow.
I don't know why he even wrapped it.