Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend has just got a new patch that stops her from getting pregnant
It has to be the best update ever

Wordplay Joke

Fishforjobs.com
What can a fish do that i cant??

Wordplay Joke

Today I saw a sign that said 'Walkway slippery when wet'.
I was truly amazed because signs don't usually talk.

Wordplay Joke

The wife left me tonight. She had sent me to the butchers for a turkey and I came back with some roadkill I'd hit on the way.
I'm not too bothered, wheel meat again.

Wordplay Joke

'Three life sentences for The Crossbow Cannibal'
I thought his autobiography would have been longer to be honest.

Wordplay Joke

"For God's sake, I'm working Christmas day!"
Said the vicar.

Wordplay Joke

I had to walk the plank today.
I hate being seen in public with my brain damaged son.

Wordplay Joke

The transition from rugby to American football was tough for me
No matter how many times I tried, they'd always call it a touchdown.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not a fan of Computer-related jokes.
Not one bit

Wordplay Joke

We played a practical joke on our boss in work today. When he came into the room, everybody in the office tried to hit him between the legs with a coin.
I got the sack.

Wordplay Joke

'Ronan Keating confirms split rumours.'
Apparently he's also working on his back flip as well as the hand stand.

Wordplay Joke

Since I was a child, I've been spending every weeknight in a frayed nun's dress, watching my favourite Bruce Willis film.
Old habits, Die Hard.

Wordplay Joke

When my mate kept banging on how he couldn't say the letter 't'. I thought I'd never hear the last of it.

Wordplay Joke

I was accused of cutting a Donkey's tail off.
They won't be able to pin it on me.

Wordplay Joke

Like my girlfriend, my ego is inflated.

Wordplay Joke

I went to night school, so if you ever need to know if its night ask me.

Wordplay Joke

Joiners - Always cutting corners.

Wordplay Joke

I've gone back to heroin as I can't see any methadone in my madness.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a Dutch courier who cuts you up on the motorway?
Ruud Van Driver.

Wordplay Joke

Ive just got myself a job working in London building one of the new Olympic stadiums.
I thought to myself "Finally im making a stand"

Wordplay Joke

There's hardly any furniture in the Royal Mint.
Although they did once find a sofa there, down the back of a pile of 10p pieces.

Wordplay Joke

I cut one of my vinyl records into a square the other day.
I wanted to set the record straight.

Wordplay Joke

I'm flying to Dublin with Ireland's national airline. They cut the hand luggage allowance from 10kg to 6kg.
That's Cunning Lingus for you. Leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Wordplay Joke

i'm very suspicious of stalkers, so I keep a close eye on them.

Wordplay Joke

I thought squat-thrust meant a gym exercise until I went to use a French toilet.