Today I delivered a package to a man in jail.
He got what was coming to him.
The smallest things always get on my nerves...
Arrears, dues, debt, it's all greek to me.
In a recent Gallup poll it showed ponies run faster than donkeys.
As a policeman, you wouldn't believe some of the lies I'm told.
Only yesterday a woman claimed her car had run off the road.
'Pull the other one love, cars don't have legs'
Snooker playing Midgets.
Give it a rest.
Standing outside my house earlier and every sixty seconds a heavy cast iron disk went rolling past me. I thought... "weight a minute..."
I support Columbia, not England.
I prefer 3 lines up my nose.
Just a guess, but I bet most cyclops don't subscribe to the 'eye for an eye' theory.
My electrician just came to my house and wired it really badly.
I was shocked.
I went to a 70's disco last night.
It was just full of OAP's.
I'm known as a man of few words.
BBC NEWS: 300 pairs of used pants have been found on the M25.
Police are now checking skid marks to see if there`s been an accident.
As I was eyeing up my last shot on the 18th hole in the golf tournament I decided to use my driver.
He's a much better player than me.
My friend and I are moving into a tree-house together.
I hope we don't fall out.
I'm back from the gym. I spent the entire week lifting weights.
Now my house is full of them.
I used to work at a watch recycling centre.
What a waste of time.
Tried to change the water in my fishtank earlier.
Despite my best efforts, it remained as water.
I was set up on a blind date with a girl who was obsessed with the metric system, I couldn't wait to metre.
The boomerang is Australia's biggest export.
(And then import.)
I went into the butchers the other day and asked for a big fat Christmas bird,
"Turkey" he asked,
I replied "I don't care where she's from as long she can handle a spit roast"
I moved my Tomato Ketchup company from England to India.
It's called out-saucing.
Jokes about the police are terribly rude, so just give them arrest.
Women were eyeing up my big bulge in my jeans today.
I didn't reach the toilet in time.
"..and that concludes today's invisibility lesson. Is everybody clear?"