Wordplay Joke

I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

Wordplay Joke

I told my friend I'm only funny from a certain angle.
He didn't see the funny side.

Wordplay Joke

After surviving forty straight years of hazardous and illegal driving on my rims, I've decided that it's finally time to re-tyre.

Wordplay Joke

Chinese philiosophy just isn't my cup of chi.

Wordplay Joke

My butcher's running a tombola and has just sold me a ticket.
I'm in for the chop.

Wordplay Joke

There's a time and a place to be punctual.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "A-14 closed for period this morning"
Come on ladies it cant be THAT bad?

Wordplay Joke

I always fancied being an alcoholic....I just never really had the bottle.

Wordplay Joke

Salami was invented in the Saus Age.

Wordplay Joke

When my mate said he was taking me to a 'cat-house' I didn't expect to end up in a bin..

Wordplay Joke

Not sure if the bookmaker near me is a dwarf or a midget.
Either way it makes little odds.

Wordplay Joke

Being a bit of a hypochondriac, i like to stockpile lots of medicines just in case.
I've got a crate of aspirins for my migraines, a vat of cough syrup for tickly throats and as for ointment, I've got piles.

Wordplay Joke

There was panic at work today when someone was apparently spotted carrying a counterfeit pepperoni.
Thankfully, it turned out to be a false salami.

Wordplay Joke

"I'm going to one of those Arab countries for an operation. I need to stop this fluid from coming out of my nose," I said to my mate.
"Qatar?"
"No, the doctor says it's blood."

Wordplay Joke

I told my mate that from now on, I'm going to put a word for average in every sentence I say. He just laughed and thought it was a silly idea.
"No, I mean it." I replied.

Wordplay Joke

My skinny neighbour gets pushed about by everybody in our street.
He really needs to get a new car.

Wordplay Joke

I woke up this morning and put mascara on my head, wasn't happy with that so I put lipstick on my head, still wasn't happy with that.
I really couldn't make up my mind

Wordplay Joke

Headline: Priest preyed on young vulnerable boys.
Well that's not the worst thing he could have done.

Wordplay Joke

I managed to convince a friend to kill my wife for some big money. He did the deed and came to me shaking and covered in blood while stuttering, "What have I done?" I handed him the money trying to calm him down but if anything the novelty football sized pound coin made things worse.

Wordplay Joke

I just bought Walk the Line and The Mask.
It was a two DVD deal at the Cash and Carrey.

Wordplay Joke

I would tell a joke about my job as a royal mail standards commissioner,
but I need to improve delivery.

Wordplay Joke

My blonde girlfriend was staring out of window earlier. After 10 minutes she stood up confidently, and I had no idea why.
'what were you doing?' I asked.
'I've cracked it!' she said. 'I told my careers advisor that I wanted to work in IT!'
'what's that got to do with you staring there?'
'you're so silly. He said I should first master using windows.'

Wordplay Joke

I had never known my wife to be such at expert at grilling until I bought a new gas bar-b-que for the deck out back.
"How much did this cost? Where did you get the money? Did I say it was OK to buy this? she asked me repeatedly until I was reduced to tears.

Wordplay Joke

Psychologists say that children who bond with their fathers from an early age have less chance of having behavioural problems later in life.
I agree. I used to watch the Bond films with my Dad, and it never did me any harm.

Wordplay Joke

Landing Jets in the water is plane sailing.