Wordplay Joke

As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her knickers.
I wish she would see a doctor about her heavy discharge, I thought as I picked them up off the floor and put them in the washing basket.

Wordplay Joke

Frankly, Paranormal Activity is just one film away from being a regular occurrence.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the carpet.
If they give me a bad reception I'm going to ruin theirs.

Wordplay Joke

If your blow up doll's talking back to you...
Puncture.

Wordplay Joke

My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is.
I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?
He wanted to kermit suicide.

Wordplay Joke

I was just informed that a good friend of mine has tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train.
That's the third time now. He's got a terrible track record.

Wordplay Joke

Ignorant? I don't know the meaning of the word!

Wordplay Joke

The wife wants me to buy something musical for our 4 year old daughter's birthday.
I'm going to give her a fiddle.

Wordplay Joke

I heard vandals have broken into an origami exhibition and ruined all the exhibits.
Police are trying to work out how events unfolded.

Wordplay Joke

A woman screamed, "No means no!" at me today.
I left soon after.
It was the shortest Spanish lesson I'd ever had.

Wordplay Joke

I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped ... I wanted to be ruthless

Wordplay Joke

I live for my alarm clock collection, it's the only reason I get up in the morning.

Wordplay Joke

"Doctor Doctor, I've got Leukaemia, can you fix it?"
"Yes we can sir"

Wordplay Joke

Stereo
Stereo
Stereo
I love stereotyping

Wordplay Joke

My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.
I found it staggering.

Wordplay Joke

Fair Trade.
Sacrificing quality for equality.

Wordplay Joke

I was taking a risk opening a butchers shop on Blackpool tower.
The steaks were high.

Wordplay Joke

I work for a charity that tries to prevent animals being turned into glue.
Please, donate to the RSPVA.

Wordplay Joke

So gentlemen. We have celebrated Movember with our moustaches, Manuary by doing manly things 24/7. And soon it will be time for Rapril.

Wordplay Joke

A Scotsman just offered me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's Spearmint. So I said, "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum."

Wordplay Joke

I felt quite smug when the iPad came out. I'd been saying for years that the iPhone would be really big one day.

Wordplay Joke

I have been cheating on my wife for years and last night my girlfriend spilt the beans.
It wasn't a problem, they are only 40p a tin.

Wordplay Joke

I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday.
I didn't buy one.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.
Full credit to him.