Wordplay Joke

My wife demanded that I go hang the washing out.
So I clotheslined her.

Wordplay Joke

There's a hole in the wall on my house that lets in a terrible draft.
On the plus side it's very convenient when I need cash.

Wordplay Joke

I commissioned a study to find out why my missus likes Chinese food so much. The study revealed that it is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

Wordplay Joke

After 20 years of public service, I've finally retired.
4 new Michelins on my taxi.

Wordplay Joke

Highlighter is such an attention seeker.

Wordplay Joke

Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...
Sauce Unknown.

Wordplay Joke

Say what you want about elevator music; I find it very uplifting.

Wordplay Joke

I got attacked by muslims earlier......
Iran!

Wordplay Joke

Top tip of the day: Dont make chicken impressions in a public place.
I got arrested for using foul language.

Wordplay Joke

I got a leaflet in the mail this morning about a half price sale on everything at Argos.
It explained a great deal.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mate got on the train yesterday and
couldn't find our seats. The conductor came over
and asked:
"Have you any reservations?"
I said "No, I love going on the train"

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: US to push $60bn Saudi arms sale.
Wonder how much they'll give me for my legs.

Wordplay Joke

A revolver : The original point and click interface.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get if you cross a match with sand paper?
Fire.

Wordplay Joke

What are wok's used for?
Thwowing at wabbits.

Wordplay Joke

My friend tried to convince me that the steak and chips I was about to eat could be detrimental to my health...
I took it with a pinch of salt

Wordplay Joke

I was in the final round of a quiz yesterday and I had to think of a word that ended in 'se'.
I said 'course' and it was wrong so I lost the quiz.
Oh well, could've been worse I suppose.

Wordplay Joke

I steal eggs from next door. I like my eggs poached.

Wordplay Joke

RIP my radiator.
Bled to death.

Wordplay Joke

Getting the milk out of the carton with a spoon is extremely difficult...
But I refuse to cut corners.

Wordplay Joke

I have a girlfriend called Gael and, needless to say, I get blown a lot.

Wordplay Joke

Just had a football match with Steven Hawking, hes rubbish in goal, but hes a good dribbler.

Wordplay Joke

Last night, I witnessed an awful train wreck at Clapham Junction.
Katie Price was on platform 2.

Wordplay Joke

My missus lost an eye in a freak accident.
she doesnt look right.

Wordplay Joke

My Wife came downstairs earlier all dolled up ready to go out, and asked if I could give her a lift.
I said "Sure sweetheart. You don't look as fat in that dress as I thought you would".