Wordplay Joke

I once had an affair with a member of the Royal family.
I'm not allowed to say who , for regal liasions.

Wordplay Joke

I know a female teacher who hates women.
Ms. Ogynist.

Wordplay Joke

If when asked to work some overtime, do night shift workers phone home and say "Sorry love, I have to work early."?

Wordplay Joke

I said goodbye today to my epileptic friend.
Seizure later.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a dark skinned buddy named Barry down at work. He helps with my schedule etc. I call him my Black Barry

Wordplay Joke

I think I have a fetish for books.
Every time I think about reading, I always have to touch my shelf.

Wordplay Joke

My dad says I'm likely to lose my vision when I'm older as its hereditary but personally I can't see it happening.

Wordplay Joke

I brought a card table today...
On reflection, a wooden one would've been better.

Wordplay Joke

I work in a shop that sells fake facial hair. It gets really busy around this time of year and I struggle to process each order on time, so you can imagine how annoyed I get at the people who come in and say they just want two brows.

Wordplay Joke

The secret cannabis farm at the end of my street has caught fire.
There's a high police presence in the area right now.

Wordplay Joke

My mate thinks because I work at customs, I'll turn a blind eye to him bringing cocaine into the country.
It's stupid, irresponsible and frankly, I won't let him go through with it.

Wordplay Joke

Turned on the birds-eye view on Google Maps earlier.
Funny... all it did was label all the most expensive shoe shops.

Wordplay Joke

I've finally found out how to drive around corners.
It's been a learning curve.

Wordplay Joke

I'd just perfected my Arctic Monkeys-themed lollipops when my wife walked in.
"They look tasty, what flavours are there" she asked.
"Suck it and see" I replied.

Wordplay Joke

If you forget that you have alzheimers, does that mean you remember everything?

Wordplay Joke

I took a Taxi to work this morning.
I ate it around 10 o'clock with a nice cup of coffee.

Wordplay Joke

I always used to go and see my nan as a school boy.
I used to tell her: "Nan, stop dressing as a school boy".

Wordplay Joke

I bought a rubber stamp today.
Now I just need to decide where to send my rubber.

Wordplay Joke

Just planted a few bulbs.
Gonna have my own solar plant!

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me to quit my obsession with chip shop jokes...
...needless to say I battered her!

Wordplay Joke

I've decided that instead of having a birthday I'm going to level up.
That way I don't get older I just get more powerful.

Wordplay Joke

At school I was always hopeless at fractions, half the time I didn't have a clue what any of the numbers meant.
Well I say half the time.

Wordplay Joke

My super power is antonyms. It's a blessing and a curse.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been admitted into a mental hospital, apparently I suffer from autism.
Yesterday, one of the nurses walked by my bed:
"Excuse me love, do you know when I'm getting out of here, there's nothing wrong with me!"
"Oh, not for some time I'm afraid. You have a severe case of autism where you randomly say palindromes without even knowing."
"That's ridiculous..." I moaned.
The nurse left my bed side and walked away, it was at this point I looked out my bedside window and noticed a load of caravans and 4x4's pulling into the hospital car park. In a panic, I screamed:
"Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!"

Wordplay Joke

I had to drive all the way to the 34th floor of a Multi-storey car park
I was fuming on so many levels