Wordplay Joke

I've been told that my drinking is getting out of hand and I must agree... Already tonight I've dropped 3 pints

Wordplay Joke

"Every dog has its day!"
"Look, I told you I don't want to buy a Battersea calendar."

Wordplay Joke

My mate asked me if I could look after his downs syndrome daughter tomorrow night.
"I'm not sure, can I sleep on it?", I replied.
He answered "So long as I get a night out, you can do anything you want with it."

Wordplay Joke

Eating 20 lemons was a bad punishment, but I kept going until the bitter end.

Wordplay Joke

I was recently locked up for possessing indecent images of children on my pc.
In my defence I think they were pretty decent.

Wordplay Joke

I told a joke about Nearly Headless Nick earlier, but the execution was poor.

Wordplay Joke

I wanted to try something kinky, the wife just want something to eat.
So we compromised.
We went for Toed in the hole.

Wordplay Joke

I've opened my own store selling couches, I'm doing pretty well.
Sofa, so good.

Wordplay Joke

I've just drawn an unusually terrible self-portrait.
That's not like me.

Wordplay Joke

I got into a fight with an article of clothing today.
It was a tie.

Wordplay Joke

If you forget to say 'Pik' before a sneeze, you can always say 'Bacca' after it.

Wordplay Joke

Dad: "What did you learn at school today son?"
Son: "The 21st letter of the alphabet and the fifth month, can I tell you what they are?"
Dad: "You may"

Wordplay Joke

I have a condition where I absolutely must buy things before they are publicly released.
It's know as Obsessive Compulsive Pre-Order

Wordplay Joke

I found out my neighbour was sleeping with my wife so I went around and punched his lights out
"At least this way you wont have to see her" I said, shaking his hand

Wordplay Joke

I don't really enjoy spending time with my dog since he died, even taking him for a walk is just a drag.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a friend called Danny Wellbeck his bomb disposal expert brothers name is Stan Wellbeck.

Wordplay Joke

I hate people who act irrationally, they should be killed at birth.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear that Mr Potato Head was sick?
Apparently he has a brain tuber.

Wordplay Joke

My wife keeps going in the loft. I think she must be coming down with something.....

Wordplay Joke

I got sacked from royal mail for stealing letters. Jokes on them though, they're the ones with a sign that says "oyal ail" at the top of the sorting office.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call an exploding Monkey?
Baboom!

Wordplay Joke

Chemical jokes are boron... however physics jokes have potential

Wordplay Joke

I saw something fly past wearing rosary beads earlier.
'That must be a bird of pray', I thought.

Wordplay Joke

"My wife's gone to Jordan"
"Amman?"
"No, she's just got big hands, but you're not the first to ask."

Wordplay Joke

Sainsburys have a new offer on at the moment, you spend 50 and get 5p of every litre off petrol, how great is that? You only need to buy one litre of petrol and you get 5p off.