Wordplay Joke

Great British Menu - "The stakes are higher than ever this series"
I find they tend to cook better after being stored on the lowest shelf in the fridge

Wordplay Joke

I was fired from my job yesterday after a slip of the tongue during a one on one meeting.
It turns out my female boss wasnt coming on to me after all.

Wordplay Joke

My mum always used to read me fairy tales before bedtime.
I never had the heart to tell her they were boring just like the Dettol and Mr Sheen tales.

Wordplay Joke

My very elderly and delirious Grandmother often gets very confused and thinks she's the founder of an upmarket fashion label.
Delusions of Gran Dior.

Wordplay Joke

I sold a car to the Six Million Dollar Man once.
Must have been a bargain.
He almost ripped my arm off.

Wordplay Joke

Just to ram it home to Simon Cowell, I just hope 'The Force' is with Gamu giving her the Christmas number one. It should be ..
She's a little on the dark side.

Wordplay Joke

"What sort of sick joke is this?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you wanted it categorised."

Wordplay Joke

I found being an electrician interesting but the work was shocking

Wordplay Joke

I haven't been feeling well lately.
Doctors say it's normal for a man with no arms.

Wordplay Joke

Latvians litter local landscape
A litter nation

Wordplay Joke

My doctor thinks I'm mentally unstable.
That's crazy.

Wordplay Joke

I swore at someone in French this morning.
After that I punched someone in Maths and smashed a desk up in History.

Wordplay Joke

I was sent home from work in January with extreme flatulance.
Took the wind right out of my sales.

Wordplay Joke

I'm fascinated by social epidemics.....
....though maybe, its just a fad.

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS Headline: Town overrun by bins.
What a load of rubbish.

Wordplay Joke

They say honesty is the best policy.
To be honest I don't agree

Wordplay Joke

"I'm at breaking point" my wife said.
"Snap" I replied.

Wordplay Joke

I'd had a big pub lunch, and 4 pints of lager with it. I told the girlfriend I was going for a siesta.
She said "Ooh, I love ice cream. Get me one."

Wordplay Joke

I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier.

Wordplay Joke

Why were two astronauts complaining after coming out of a bar on the moon?
Because there was no atmosphere..

Wordplay Joke

"Hi Mum, I've got somebody else on the line. Can I call you back?"
She knows I work a double shift as a tightrope walker on Fridays.

Wordplay Joke

I've just developed a new knife that allows the user to alter sharpness.
It's cutting edge technology.

Wordplay Joke

An electrician was arrested after a brawl in the pub last night.
He was eventually discharged.

Wordplay Joke

Why couldn't the Captain's girlfriend see?
He came in the Birdseye.

Wordplay Joke

I needed to sit down the other day, so I asked a lady if I could use one of the steps leading to her house.
You should have seen the vacant stare I was offered back.