Wordplay Joke

Whenever I'm out on a boat, I have to wrap a white towel around my head.
I suffer from Sea Sikhness.

Wordplay Joke

Elitism.
It's not for everybody.

Wordplay Joke

So is Beth Ditto's real name Beth Beth?

Wordplay Joke

I was going on a road trip with my two mates both called Tom.
When I got into the car I said "I take it you know where we're going?"

Wordplay Joke

I attacked someone with a bread knife today.
A metal one would've been more effective.

Wordplay Joke

I started my new job on a casualty ward yesterday. An emergency patient came in. The doctor checked him over before saying, "I need 50 milligrammes of morphine, STAT!"
I gave him the morphine and said, "Bobby Charlton is England's top goalscorer, with 49 goals.

Wordplay Joke

I don't use my power for good or evil.
Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.

Wordplay Joke

My next door neighbour confronted me at my front door this morning in her underwear.
She wanted to know why I was wearing it.

Wordplay Joke

Isn't it ironic that Rangers have been saved by Green and Whyte.

Wordplay Joke

I was at the pub with my mate and I asked him what's his favorite drink.
"Shloer" He replied
So I repeated it in a drunken voice.

Wordplay Joke

Our local water authority's said that there could be a hosepipe ban if we have a warm summer.
I'm not worried... I've had a 24 foot long tap installed!

Wordplay Joke

I turned my lover on last night.
But the batteries had run out.

Wordplay Joke

As a Private Detective I always carry with me a piece of thin paper and a pencil.
It always come in handy if I have to trace somebody.

Wordplay Joke

There used to be a paper shop at the end of my road, but it blew away.

Wordplay Joke

I don't believe in any of this suggestibility stuff, I'm off for a giraffe.

Wordplay Joke

Found out my girlfriend has crabs last night.
Not the best pets but at least they don't need walking.

Wordplay Joke

Two and a Half men Used to be such a slick well polished show but these days it's just lost its Sheen...

Wordplay Joke

I came down the stairs this morning.
My wife was angry and asked me to clear it up.

Wordplay Joke

BBC news: 20 million of rare diamonds stolen while in transit overnight.
That's a bit stupid, I don't even keep power tools in my van overnight.

Wordplay Joke

I was locked in a room with a PC and forced to play default Windows games the other day.
It was solitaire confinement.

Wordplay Joke

Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates.

Wordplay Joke

I always get my wife the same two things on our anniversary.
An excuse and an apology.

Wordplay Joke

Digging tunnels.
It's boring work if you ask me.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a board game?
Natasha Kerplunksky

Wordplay Joke

My wife has always said that she can see a resemblance of my father in me.
But when she came home early yesterday, she saw a little bit of me in our son.