Wordplay Joke

I'm not a major shareholder of the Beefeater Group but I do have a steak in it

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend said to me she felt our relationship was suffering because of a breakdown in communication, but I told her I wasn't really that hungry.

Wordplay Joke

I am the world's worst procrastinator.
I always do everything straightaway.

Wordplay Joke

I decided to break up with that bird that works on the waltzers at the fair.
Everything always had to revolve around her.

Wordplay Joke

I sailed through my driving test.
I think that was the reason why I failed it though, I wasn't meant to use a yacht.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my family love a good roast on Sundays.
Then we all sit down and have dinner.

Wordplay Joke

It's a lot of peoples dream to have a one night stand.
Granted, a lot of those people don't have any legs.

Wordplay Joke

Chris Eubank has today been diagnosed with an unspeakable illness
Cystic Fibrosis

Wordplay Joke

My son stole an aeroplane.
He is so grounded.

Wordplay Joke

An Indian woman walked up to me today and said, "Why are you laughing at the red dot on my head, does it make me look stupid or something?"
I said, "You've got that spot on."

Wordplay Joke

I think my eyesight is getting worse.
I keep walking in to pubs.

Wordplay Joke

It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done.
I suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse.

Wordplay Joke

I watched some bukakke yesterday and I could tell it was the girl's first time.
She was very wet behind the ears.

Wordplay Joke

Do you have Osteoporosis? Click here.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News - Gang groomed and abused teenagers.
Well, at least they made the victims look nice before they did it.

Wordplay Joke

This homeless guy came up to me on the street and said "Big Issue".
I said "University Fees".

Wordplay Joke

I'm getting heavily criticised for the way I run my magazine publishing company, and I don't know why. I've been in charge for five years now, and there haven't been any issues in all that time.

Wordplay Joke

What I wouldn't give to be stingy..

Wordplay Joke

I broke up with my girlfriend as soon as she told me she was a catholic.
I'm just more of a dog person.

Wordplay Joke

I was just finishing off my blueprint for making the worlds largest carpet when I discovered a huge floor in the plan.

Wordplay Joke

My dad won the sperm donor championships two years in a row.
He's the number 1 seed.

Wordplay Joke

Fancy losing a few pounds? Try tennis... A fiver on Andy Murray to win Wimbledon should do the trick.

Wordplay Joke

I went to Laos on Holiday and all I got was this Laosy T-shirt!

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience?
A hippocampus.

Wordplay Joke

Anyone else think it's a bit ironic that Tiger Woods' sport of choice requires him to score as little as possible?