Wordplay Joke

My Goldfish keeps getting my name wrong.
Everytime I go up to the bowl it keeps shouting, "Bob"

Wordplay Joke

My wife left me because of my obsession with fishing,
She'll always be the one that got away.................

Wordplay Joke

I was just about to tweet what i was having for my dinner, then i remembered...
That i actually have a life.

Wordplay Joke

I had the neighbour knock at the door today after my wife had died, tripping on one of her high heels and falling down the stairs.
"Oh, I've just heard the news," she said. "God bless her soul."
"I don't think it was down to the sole," I replied. "Let's just say god bless her shoe."

Wordplay Joke

A new treatment is being tested that breaks down amyloids in the brain, the thing that causes Alzheimers.
If it works, we can forget about Alzheimers.

Wordplay Joke

I had an argument with a Jamaican about who became U.S. president after Franklin Roosevelt. According to him, it was Eisenhower, but I didn't agree.
At the end he must have realised his mistake because he said: "it's Truman".

Wordplay Joke

Peter came home to find Fairy liquid all over the kitchen sink.
Tinkerbell clearly hadn't taken his warnings about the blender seriously.

Wordplay Joke

My wife come in today with no make up on and said, "Do I look ugly without my slap?"
"No love, you look beautiful as always, you're glowing!" I replied.
Bare faced lies.

Wordplay Joke

Me: Apparently it's eating disorder awareness week.
My mate: Really
Me: Yh, my daughter brought it up at the dinner table

Wordplay Joke

Doctor Octopus robbed a bank this morning...
Apparently he was well armed.

Wordplay Joke

I just got employed as a human lie detector
The pays not great but at least I can make an honest buck

Wordplay Joke

My fat wife came home from work all excited today claiming that she had lost 10 pounds in two days.
I replied "Yes, I know. I saw all the chocolate you bought."

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I kept telling people about her personal life.
But she's had trust issues ever since she found out she was adopted.

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a Dining table and chair set, in 30 easy weekly instalments,
This week they sent me a chair leg.

Wordplay Joke

Tired of people talking about their iPhones?
There's a nap for that.

Wordplay Joke

The irony for that woman on the tram is that this is probably the darkest point in her entire life.

Wordplay Joke

It's better to have loved and lost than to have loved Lost.

Wordplay Joke

I've just posted a clip of me sleeping onto Facebook.
It's an inbeded video.

Wordplay Joke

I was standing about three yards away from my computer when I realised that the mouse was moving.
It was tickling my sphincter.

Wordplay Joke

I've got no Faith in my broken George Michael CD.

Wordplay Joke

Tidied up the house and put my Christmas decs away today.
No DJ'ing for me until December.

Wordplay Joke

Wales v Costa Rica. Gary speed memorial match announced.
Well i am not hanging around to watch that.

Wordplay Joke

Just bought myself a new Wall calender.
Doesn't match up to the Megan Fox one I got last year though.

Wordplay Joke

To drive or not to drive.
That is the congestion.

Wordplay Joke

I had a nervous break down yesterday.
I broke down in the middle of nowere and realised I had not renewed my AA cover.