Doctors say our blood contains a lot of Fe. How ironic.

I had my eyes transplanted from a female red deer, and now I can see much better
Of course, its always easier with hind sight...

I just sniffed a whole load of crack!
Now I'm banned from the Plumbing and Building union.

Just woke up from a nightmare in which I was filling my car and then saw the price.
It was a Crude Awakening.

Did you hear about the ant who thought he was a bear?
He was aberrant.

I was going to buy a chicken, but it was fowl.

I was going to buy a chicken, but it was fowl.

I remember back to the days when my football coach would say to me, "Steve, you'll never amount to anything."
That's when I realised I need to stop taking drugs and talking to vehicles.

My girlfriend gets really nervous before she eats a packet of Galaxy chocolates.
She's got Pre-Minstrel Tension.

When the going gets tough, the tough make an appointment with the urologist.

I met my new girlfriend down the gym, she's working out really well.

What do you call a bunch of priests in swimming trunks?
Spaedos

Everyones going on about David Schwimmer tying the knot. I don't know what the big deal is, I didn't make a fuss when one of my Friends got married.

I was tidying out the garage and I came across a battered bike.
I was going to keep it but I've decided Alex Reid can have it back.

I finally found an honest mechanic.
He honestly doesn't know how to fix anything.

i hope i never get my hands tangled together.
fingers crossed.

Since I moved to London a couple of weeks ago I've been living life in the fast lane.
It's one he'll of a traffic jam.

The boss caught me sat on the phone earlier.
I'd have looked a lot less suspicious if it wasn't set to vibrate.

Now that my girlfriend is six months pregnant she's told me that she thinks she should read a baby book.
I couldn't agree more, I've bought her The Little Book of Calm.

I've been scouring town all day looking for a Brillo pad, and I had one in my hand all the time.

My lightbulb business is now at a make it or break it stage.

I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, but after complications during the birth he'll now be disabled for the rest of his life.
I was going to make a joke about it to cheer me up but I don't want another botched delivery.

I've always had a soft spot for erectile disfunction.

Can't wait for the big draw tonight.
Rolf Harris Vs Tony Hart.

My maths teacher explained to me that I didn't understand the sum of n numbers divided by n.
In the end he said I was an avereage student.
How mean.