Statistically 9/10 blondes reckon a typo is a form of martial arts

I always dip my headlights when driving at night.
I put salsa on one and guacamole on the other.

We were at the aquarium and my wife said she wanted to feed the fish.
So I pushed her into a tank of sharks.

I'm having difficulty researching the topic "The unwritten laws of England".
There's no books on it.

If you send your Girlfriend a Valentines card in tagged image file format, then is that a Lovers tiff?

I've just been watching 'Room 101'
A fit brunette was undressing and I had a great spot in a tree outside the hotel.

I've just seen an epileptic on the floor covered in biscuits.
I think he was having a McFitties.

I don't believe in cryogenic freezing as a punishment. It will only produce more hardened criminals.

As I punched my wife in the face, she screamed "AAA!"
The police say it was battery.

I was on Facebook earlier looking back at some pictures from my honeymoon.
I tried to load one with my wife topless on the beach, and it said "Fetching photo."
I thought, "Aw, thanks."

I just watched "Mutilating Film Crew: The Director's Cut".

Did you hear that Chelsea's bid for that Valencia player fell through this morning?
Oh well, no Mata

I hired a hitman once.
Not the best choice, as the job I was hiring for was a babysitter, but he was nice enough.

I've finally found a career where I can hold my head up high.
I'm an axe murderer.

Whenever I'm in Italy I become a rickety old table.
I guess I'm just a hopeless Rome antique.

My mate is a tree surgeon.
He's lost many patients who simply refused to climb up there.

I love playing 'telekinetic snooker'.
But you've got to be in the right frame of mind for it.

I started my new job on a building site yesterday and people are right what they say.
There were poles everywere.

I'm not going to lie, my bed's broken.

I'm not going to lie, my bed's broken.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's unicycles

I just took a photo of my mate doing an El Hadji Diouf impression.
It was a spitting image.

There's a big problem with morbid obesity

I finally quit my job as a waiter.
Standing around all day bored me.

I just took a long, hard look in the mirror and didn't like what I saw.
I could see the wife taking a shower behind me.