Wordplay Joke

If there's one job thats suitable for me it's an auctioneer. I know lots.

Wordplay Joke

What has my love life and my steaks got in common?
Both rare.

Wordplay Joke

I enjoy my job as a psychic.
It's just the early mournings I find hard to deal with.

Wordplay Joke

I can't understand why my local pub has put a ban on aquatic mammals?
It serves no porpoise.

Wordplay Joke

A guy came round to read my meter today.
It had the numbers 1 to 100 written on it exactly 1 cm apart.

Wordplay Joke

An animal at the zoo was given special recognition after it gave its own life to rescue a child from a fire. It was a hippoposthumous award.

Wordplay Joke

My mate showed me the strangest coin earlier, it was smooth on Both sides
I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

Wordplay Joke

Do Lipton tea employees get coffee breaks?

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend won't swallow.
She's not that sort of bird.

Wordplay Joke

I've developed a new way of playing tic-tac-toe
where you can't take your pen off the page...
It's hard to get across

Wordplay Joke

After getting ripped off by a cowboy builder, my house has been left very vulnerable to burglars.
I've now got saloon doors instead of a front door.

Wordplay Joke

Rumour has it that Sir Patrick Moore favours Wife Beater as his preferred lager of choice.
He's interstellar.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a voice activated car last week and I told my mate that it had disappeared off my driveway and turned up outside the local garage.
''Take it back'', he said, ''you paid lots of money for that, it must be broken, don't you think?''
''Definitely mate'' I said, ''It goes without saying!''

Wordplay Joke

What appeared above the bloke's head who invented the lightbulb, a candle?

Wordplay Joke

Here's one for all the French folk on here:
'Un'

Wordplay Joke

My new girlfriend is very insecure.
Tonight was the first time I've been in her house and I've already made copies of all of her bank statements.

Wordplay Joke

The flatpack furniture that's too difficult for me has yet to be built.

Wordplay Joke

When I worked in theatre production as I was always told,
'Always leave them wanting more'
I'm now a rubbish anaesthetist.

Wordplay Joke

I fell down the stairs today, and may never walk again.
I wasn't injured, I'm just really lazy.

Wordplay Joke

What does a stressed out doctor drink?
Casual tea.

Wordplay Joke

I understand. You love to interfere and you are great at doing it.
So what do you want, a meddle?

Wordplay Joke

My dad's the marathon endurance champ.
Two years running.

Wordplay Joke

I had to do an emergency stop at 70mph today. You should have seen the skid marks.
left some horrible black lines in the road aswell.

Wordplay Joke

My mate was preparing something in the kitchen
'What are you doing?' I asked him
'I'm making my fish pie', he said
What an idiot, I thought. Fish don't even eat pie

Wordplay Joke

De.
That's not even half decent.