Wordplay Joke

I was struggling to remember the last meaningful thing I said to my wife.
Then I remembered the time she asked me what the singular of 'dice' was.

Wordplay Joke

If anyone ever sees my nan, she's a bit mental and will often approach you on the street and start getting undressed.
Just bare with her.

Wordplay Joke

Dwarfs who hand out free newspapers in London have low standards.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a sheep with unmarried parents?
A baaastard.

Wordplay Joke

Went to go and see that new film about an adventurous biscuit.
The Bourbon Supremacy.

Wordplay Joke

Blind drawing,
I can't see myself doing it.

Wordplay Joke

I damaged my car by going too fast over one of those sleeping policeman.
But it was nothing compared to the state of him.

Wordplay Joke

FIFA are to use video goal-line technology in Englands friendly.
A camera will be mounted in the goals and the pictures will be broadcast.
I wonder if it will be on the net.

Wordplay Joke

It seems that the future of South Korea is unclear.
Oops. Misspelt nuclear.

Wordplay Joke

My Dad demanded to know what happened when my little brother tried to make my face into an envelope.
But I couldn't tell him. My lips were sealed.

Wordplay Joke

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to stand empty pizza boxes upright in a line and knock them over, like they're Dominos.

Wordplay Joke

I failed to sign up my preferred choice for headline act at my new festival.
Guess it's off to Plan B then..

Wordplay Joke

I've realised why I get a sinking feeling when I put on my new footwear.
They're quicksandals.

Wordplay Joke

I phoned the hospital this morning but no one answered.
I had to leave a message on the cancer machine.

Wordplay Joke

Auto-correct on iPhone drives me mad . It's so hard to write a dirty joke when it won't let me swear..
Tucking pile of shot.

Wordplay Joke

I bought an old Snoopy annual at the bookstore.
The wrapper on it said, "May Contain Peanuts".

Wordplay Joke

Two climbers dead on Mont Blanc
Must have been a bad bottle?

Wordplay Joke

I was cleaning my son's room and found thousands of sheets of origami paper under his bed.
I don't know what to make of it.

Wordplay Joke

If you think Florence and The Machine's new song "Spectrum" is good, you want to hear her next one "Commodore 64"

Wordplay Joke

I was paralysed from the waist down after eating a lemon slice.
I'll never buy anything again from Mr Kripling

Wordplay Joke

It's impossible to cook children food.
I can never fit them in the oven.

Wordplay Joke

My history teacher asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past.
I said "Now & then"

Wordplay Joke

"These flowers are dead."
"For now, yes."
"What do you mean, for now?"
"They're reincarnations."

Wordplay Joke

BBC news: Free schools in England set for extra 600m to combat poor maths and English results.
Wow that's nearly 250 million each!

Wordplay Joke

In the pub last night, my girlfriend got half drunk, took off half her clothes & sang half a rude song.
Made a right monocle of herself.